Early Medieval to 1400 at Warfare 2024
Swiss vs Medieval German
Game 1 Swiss vs Medieval Scots
Game 2 Swiss vs Medieval Spanish
Game 5 Swiss vs Medieval German
With a remarkable 4 wins out of 4 under the Swiss belt, the final game hove into view as somewhat of an academic exercise, as the run of victories had placed me so far ahead of the rest of the field that even a loss in the final round would be unlikely to knock the yodelling mountaineers off their alp-top perch at the top of the standings.
Having said that, this was a Swiss army which knew no tactic other than relentless attack, and so with a final matchup against a Medieval German army in the capable hands of Mr Case the stage was set for the last chapter in the Swiss invasion of The Farnborough Expo Shed!
The Medieval German is a real mish-mash of all sorts of High Medieval troop types, and one I had struggled to make work as a coherent whole at a recent competition in Germany. The strength of the army (if you can call it that) is probably in the sheer numbers of fairly vanilla troops it can put out, as the usual Medieval temptation to spend too many points on Elite Knights is largely removed from the players hands due to their paucity in the list!
The lists for the Swiss and Medieval German from this game, as well as all the other lists from the games at Warfare can be seen here in the L'Art de la Guerre Wiki.
The German army had 2 commands of Knights, and a large block of mixed types of infantry - none of whom were really a match for the Swiss pikemen.
This had led what in normal circumstances would be classed as a rather pedestrian German army to try and widen the terrain as even at knight-trotting speed their two blocks of mounted troops could significantly outmanoeuvre the Swiss
In response the Cantonal army had divided itself into three blocks and was even now preparing to rush across the field and engage whatever might lie in front of them at high speed.
Little-known Facts about Swiss Pikemen
Ghosts sit around the campfire and tell stories about Swiss Pike Blocks
In this game however the Germans had the drop on the Swiss, moving first and attacking into the Swiss Mountains (the only terrain type in the Swiss list)
The horde of pikemen waited patiently and silently, a veritable malevolent herd of cuckoo clocks, each soldier counting the time under their breath like a vengeful second hand slicing toward the stroke of midnight which would see them leap forth and move onto the attack
Each waiting soldier was a Toblerone of precision and strength, their pikes forming a mountain range of unmelting resolve
As the game started for the Swiss, their entire formation surged like a herd of well-dressed Alpine Ibexes, leaping gracefully but mercilessly from peak to peak — and from one enemy throat to the next.
The whole line advanced, inclining gently to close up the handful of gaps that the scattering of irregular terrain in their deployment area had caused to their initial dispositions.text
The Gnomic General-de-Suisse on the right flank had the most to do, with irritating pockets of German skirmishers and crossbowmen drifting hither and thither on the extreme edge of the table
The idea of attacking into a space wider than his army was an anathema to the Swiss Commander, who much preferred to keep his men in a single square, their formation tighter than a Swiss chalet during a winter storm, every corner braced against the winds of war
Buy yourself some Swiss Stuff from Amazon UK
As the shape of the Swiss plan started to come together, the Germans frantically despatched their well armoured plate-covered knights out to the flanks, and more importantly, out of the way of the onrushing juggernaut of pikemen.
Ignoring this clever Germanic tactical nonsense unfolding before them, the pike block simply moved forward with the coordination of a clockwork automaton, each man a cog in an indomitable machine
Little-known Facts about Swiss Pikemen
Superman once had a fight with a Swiss Pike Block
The loser had to wear their underwear outside of their trousers
The German prancing about had however left something of a gap in the middle of their line, as all of their various forces moved out to the flanks.
The German prancing about had however left something of a gap in the middle of their line, as all of their various forces moved out to the flanks.
This, finally, forced the Swiss into doing something other than just marching forward in a line, and they started to respond to the Teutonic trickery by forming their own terrifying arc of destruction, as intricate and unbreakable as a master-crafted music box, each soldier a perfectly placed note.
Are the Swiss Funny?
At the left hand end of the Swiss line, the German Knights were now seriously close to getting round the back of the wall of pike-points, a development which might well mean the Swiss could be forced to throw their halberdiers into the front line against the enemy horsemen
This was not a development the Men Being Rude were keen to see happen, and the halberdiers Commander farted out orders to his pikemen to close down the German Knights and commit them to combat as soon as possible.
L'Art de la Guerre hint - Polearm-armed Medium infantry are sort-of decent against Knights in the open, in that they are not as terrible as non-polearm equipped Medium Infantry. Being technically Medium Swordsmen gives them a factor of one against cavalry, but only zero against Knights - to which a +1 is added in the first round for having Polearms.
Knights will typically be on a base factor of 1, with a further +1 for "Impact" against Medium Foot, and will do an additional hit if they win in the first round too due to their "Furious Charge" capability. If the Polearm chaps do win, their Polearms also prevent the Knights from claiming a mitigating +1 due to better armour as well - but starting from a factor down it's not that easy to win!
As such, Medium Polearm guys can do a fair job of bullying enemy cavalry, but really they don't want to be fighting Knights in the open unless they can't help it
Contact! The German Knights engaged with the Swiss, who had offered them a small overlap advantage against the more resilient pike block in order to try and preserve the lives of their polearm men (and with it their flanks) for just a little longer
The Swiss Pikemen's defensive line was as impenetrable as Swiss banking secrecy used to be before a series of reforms would take place in the far future (including Basel II, son of Basel I), and just as unyielding
The Swiss pike block stood firm like a cuckoo clock stuck on noon, its resolve chiming louder than any bell to repulse the German knights - but there were simply not enough pikemen to match up against all of the Teutons, and the balance of the German attack swept relentlessly past the end of the Kiel and moved to threaten the rear echelons of the Swiss, erm, echelon!
Little-known Facts about Swiss Pikemen
A Swiss Pike Block can lead the horses of a Lorrainer Knight unit to water AND make them drink
Over on the other flank the Swiss were also starting to find that width was sometimes more than a match for quality and an enduring love of melted cheese with bread dippers.
The wide open spaces were now filled with pockets and packets of well-drilled German mercenaries, few of whom could match the Swiss man for man, but in concert their potential was one the Swiss were now starting to become mildly concerned about.
The Swiss defensive line usually had the unyielding elegance of a luxury wristwatch, every gear in place to strike at exactly the right moment - but against this numerically superior foe, there was a strong sense that there may well be some very fine German grit about to get into the intricate Swiss gears
On the left the Germans had indeed caused havoc amongst the skittish polearm infantry, and were hurling huge amounts of heavy metal at the bastion of the remaining pike blocks who even now, under such an assault, still stood shoulder to shoulder, a human wall as steadfast as the Matterhorn itself.
But, this small area of the battlefield, and these handful of pikemen were occupying, nay, holding off almost all of the German's striking combat power... what else was happening in the rest of the field ?
Little-known Facts about Swiss Pikemen
Sharks have a Swiss Pike Block Week on their favourite TV channel
Even as the Germans rolled over some of the Kiels, they were taking serious casualties as just like Swiss pharmaceuticals, the rest of the pikemen delivered precise and devastating results with remarkable efficiency to balance out their losses with a plethora of German casualties too
With no decisive breakthrough here, the Germans had in fact committed a huge force to neutralise only a relatively small segment of the army of the nation which had made aggressive neutrality intro something of a national sport
But, elsewhere, things had not been going well for the parts of the German army who had been left to their fate by their mounted component
By contrast, the resolve of the Swiss to press the attack had proved to be sharper than the corners of a Toblerone bar, and twice as unyielding to pressure as with a sound like a thousand Alpine horns blowing in unison, they gave a collective roar which could have shaken the heavens, and sent their German enemies tumbling back off the rear edge of the table
The Result is a 5th successive victory for the Swiss, as just like a secret recipe for the perfect cheese fondue, their strategy of relentless attacking in the face of all opposition has proved to be a closely guarded art that had yet again melted all opposition!
Read on for the post match summaries from the Generals involved, as well as another episode of legendary expert analysis from Hannibal
Post Match Summary from the Swiss Commander
Comrades! Champions of Switzerland! Today we stand victorious once more, not just against an enemy, but against a force that sought to challenge us at our own game—precision, discipline, and engineering excellence. The Germans came to this battlefield with the ambition of matching us, but alas for them, there is only one Switzerland, and today we proved that we surpass even the most orderly and efficient armies they could muster!
Their knights, proud and noble, were no match for the wall of our pikes. Those once-mighty warriors crumbled like a poorly made pretzel under the relentless advance of Swiss precision. And as for their infantry—oh, how they tried! But when the room to retreat ran out, so too did their courage. Pushed to the edge of the battlefield, they learned the hard way that the Swiss do not falter, do not tire, and most certainly do not forgive!
And now, my friends, let us reflect on what this victory truly means. For generations, we have lived under the shadow of the German Empire. They have called themselves our overlords, but today we have cast off that shadow. No longer shall we be the vassals of their order, for we have shown the world that Swiss ingenuity, Swiss courage, and yes, Swiss cheese are superior to all!
Ah, their cheese—if we can even call it that. A sad, plastic-coated smoked abomination that no true warrior would dare eat. Compare that to our Gruyere, our Emmental, our Sbrinz, each wedge a masterpiece of flavour and craftsmanship. While the Germans bring monotony to their cheese, we bring brilliance. Is it any wonder they envy us? While the rest of Europe may covet German efficiency, even the Germans themselves aspire to be Swiss!
For who wouldn’t envy a land where trains run perfectly on time, clocks mark every second with precision, and soldiers — who are also herdsmen, merchant bankers, watchmakers and cheesemakers — can defeat the mightiest armies of the age? We are not just a nation, my comrades; we are a model of what all others aspire to be. Today, the Germans learned this truth on the battlefield, and the world watches as the Swiss ascend to greatness!
Raise your pikes, my friends, and let the echoes of our victory carry across the Alps and beyond. Let the Germans retreat to their smoky cheeses and their endless rules, while we celebrate as free men, united in purpose and proud in our identity.
Long live Switzerland! Long live the Pikemen! And long live our cheese—crafted with love, unmatched in flavour, and symbolic of all that makes us great!
Hannibal's Post Match Analysis
Oh, sweet and merciful Jupiter, let this torment end, for I can bear no more! Five battles, five plans, and five lamentable speeches from this insufferable Alpine gnome! Thou art the very embodiment of monotony, the cuckoo clock of war, forever chiming the same dull tune.
Yet credit where it is due—to the Germans, not to thee, thou red-hatted dullard! At last, a foe with wit enough to try something beyond the banal. Their mounted flanking maneuver, inspired by the grand stratagems of Cannae, warms the cockles of my Carthaginian heart. They dared to think, to innovate, to outflank! Alas, their center was left as thin as gruel, and thy pike-laden horde, blundering forward as ever, smashed through as if by sheer weight of boredom.
And what didst thou do, oh gnome of the mountains, when faced with this innovation? Didst thou adapt, adjust, or even blink? Nay! Thou didst march, as thou always dost march, forward into the fray, as predictable as the cheese wheel rolling down thy slopes. Thy “strategy” is a boulder tumbling downhill—inevitable, unstoppable, and entirely devoid of thought.
And yet, here thou art, jubilant as a goat on a grassy knoll, giddy with the undeserved laurels of victory. Thy speech, oh gods, thy speech! How it grates upon my ears! Thy boasting is as bland as thy cheeses, as tiresome as thy endless banking ledgers, as shrill as thy infernal cowbells! Thou dost strut and preen as if thou wert the very reincarnation of Mars himself, yet thou art but a clerk with a spear, a glorified accountant of war.
This campaign, this dreary parade of pikes and cheese, is at last concluded, and for that, I am grateful. No longer must I endure thy endless marches and dreary speeches, thy cuckoo-clock strategies ticking forward without variation. I shall return to North Africa, where the sun is warm, the skies are clear, and the only bells are those of joy, not drudgery.
There, beneath the palms, I shall at last find peace, far from thy mountains and their endless echoes of cowbells, cuckoo clocks, and monotony. Farewell, thou gnome of tedium! May history forget thee, or remember thee only as a cautionary tale of triumph without style, victory without art. Let this be my final critique of thee, for I would rather face another Roman legion than endure another moment in thy cheerless shadow.
Begone, and take thy bland cheeses, thy tiresome speeches, and thy ridiculous red hat with thee!
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That's the end - so why not go back to the Match Reports Index and read some more reports?
That's the end - so why not go back to the Match Reports Index and read some more reports?
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Game 1 Swiss vs Medieval Scots
Game 2 Swiss vs Medieval Spanish
Game 5 Swiss vs Medieval German
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