Early Medieval to 1400 at Warfare 2024
Swiss vs Condottieri
Game 1 Swiss vs Medieval Scots
Game 2 Swiss vs Medieval Spanish
Game 5 Swiss vs Medieval German
With Saturday night effectively despatched with a minimum of fondue, Sunday morning hove gently into view, and with it a matchup for the Swiss against the mercenary army of the Italian Condotta.
Yes, another High medieval textbook mashup of all of the Greatest Hits of the Medieval era would be facing the one dimensional aggression of the Swiss, their pikemen even as we speak arriving at the Warfare venue with all of the the merciless punctuality of a banker foreclosing on a snowman's mortgage!
Condotta Italian is in many ways the typical medieval army - it has a bit of everything in both the mounted and infantry departments, with the only real fly in the Italian pasta dish being the relatively small number of Elite Knights which are allowed, reflecting the often almost-civilized and sometimes even bloodless nature of Condottieri warfare of the time.
The lists for the Swiss and Condottieri from this game, as well as all the other lists from the games at Warfare can be seen here in the L'Art de la Guerre Wiki.
With the intimidating prospect of facing an opponent across the table who had previously written and published several books on "the art of being brave" and "Conflict Management" before me, the morning was all set for some top quality military engagement!
Soon I would be on the receiving end of a wave of positive energy from the Condotta commander that promised to take his tiny Italian forces from ahh…to Ahaaa…to AHAA at a fast pace!
This time around the Swiss would be emerging from the depths of the Swiss mountains, forests and lakes, with a huge heap of irritatingly cluttered terrain falling on my own base edge.
The effect of this was to significantly constrain the rather limited deployment options that having an army comprised of only 2 types of battle troops afforded me, but perhaps more importantly to compel the Swiss Kiels to start in "terrain", slowing their initial couple of moves until they reached clearer ground.
The cunning Condottieri however also had to deal with a dark and foreboding Alpine forest-covered mountain right in the middle of their own deployment zone too, and had elected to use it as a defensive anchor in their setup.
This decision rather restricted their opportunity to also race across the table and try and take advantage of the unusually slow start being made by the Swiss, allowing the pikemen of the 13 Cantons to make a determined advanced which must have seemed to the waiting Italians as though the mountains themselves had donned lederhosen and stomped down the slopes, intent on teaching the plains a lesson in Swiss precision.
Battle of Sempach
With little bar a few desultory skirmishers to slow them down, the Mighty Swiss Kiels swept forward like an army of yodelers trapped in a sonic arms race, each note more devastating than the last.
As the pikemen stormed across the battlefield, their befeathered hats bounced jauntily in defiance of the laws of war, their jaunty plumes a cruel mockery of their pecuniary-motivated enemies’ impending doom.
Little-known Facts about Swiss Pikemen
A Swiss Pike Block doing a 90 degree about-turn can unscramble an egg
The main weight of the Swiss attack was coming on their left, aiming for the large block of mixed infantry types standing quavering in fear in the widest open space on the Italian side of the table
But with more frontage of pikemen than there was clear ground to aim at in the Italian deployment zone, the Swiss also had men to spare to push forward on the right too, their cowbells ringing out a dirge of destruction, each clang a solemn promise that no enemy would leave the field unskewered.
Check out some of this mad Swiss stuff on Amazon UK!
As they advanced, the sound of their well-synchronized steps struck terror into the Condottieri, who suddenly panicked and started running away in all directions at onece, keen to get themselves out of the path of the marching Swiss phalanxes.
But, inexorably, boots hit tabletop and the Swiss continued their attack, each century of footsteps sounding like the steady chime of a hundred cuckoo clocks, announcing doom at the hour.
The right hand flank was the first to see combat, as here the Condotta were not really composed in a way which was conducive to falling back or running away
Pikemen assaulted the decidedly non-Elite Condotta mounted Elemeti, whilst halberdiers piled into the Italian spearmen with cheery abandon, their charge as unyielding as the Swiss commitment to neutrality (until someone touches their stash of looted WW2 gold).
On the opposite flank, the Condotta had now utterly run out of places in which to retreat, the only real question being whether they would have the wherewithal to turn around before the speeding wall of spiked Cantonal destruction crushed them mercilessly.
The Swiss Gnome Commander hurled fromage-based invective at the Italians, urging his own men to close the deal and finish the job as soon as the could.
Little-known Facts about Swiss Pikemen
When a Swiss pikeman gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live
Pikemen were seemingly everywhere as the Condotta attempted to fit too many infantry into too small a space
This chaos was now exposing what really should have been rear echelon troops to the front lines of combat at an alarming rate for anyone of a pasta-consuming nationality.
The pikemen meanwhile simply moved forward like a Swiss watchmaker wielding a hammer: meticulous, precise, and utterly catastrophic to anything in their path.
This was it, the place the Condotta had chosen to make their stand.
They had by now retreated so far and so fast that to be fair some of the Swiss pikemen had been outdistanced, and there was a vague chink of light in the Italian battle plan to take on the Kiels piecemeal instead of all at once
Where combat has initiated however, it was very much a case of carnage of the highest order
Gaps opened up in both lines as the two forces struggled manfully, each army scything through its opposition with long handled bladed weapons wreaking immense destruction at every stroke
The Gnomic commander pushed pikemen forward, finally making it into the front of the Italian bombard.
This would be no forerunner to Biacocca, as here the Italian gunners were outmatched, outnumbered and not defending behind a mahoozive earthen bank either - all of which played very much into the hands of the Swiss, as their practiced formation ticked forward, each pikeman a cog in the inexorable machinery of doom.
Little-known Facts about Swiss Pikemen
During the pandemic, many leading hand sanitizers claimed they could kill 99.9 percent of all known germs.
A Swiss Pike Block can kill 100 percent of whatever it wants.
The Italian left flank, perhaps glimpsing over at a scenario in which their own gunners were gifting themselves and their equipment to provide the platform for the eventual evolution of an internationally reknown high tech engineering industry, suddenly ran out of will to resist, and was pretty much swept from the field
The only exception were some dismounted Elemeti, who having carved their way through the lightly-armed halberdiers now opened their helmet visors to find that the tide of battle had swept on without them, leaving the slow-moving metal men high and dry out on their own.
How to annoy the Swiss
In the centre the pikemen charged home, and as if on cue a sudden gust of wind carried the scent of Alpine flowers and enemy despair around the room, mingling the two in a perfume of martial inevitability.
This was the very heart of the Italian army, and victory here would both expose their rather less effective crossbowmen and disconnect both wings from one another as well
Disconnection achievement unlocked!
(Although, rather weirdly, the Italian gunnes were doing remarkably well in holding off the Swiss - perhaps Biacocca was hardwired into both nations psyches, despite it not having happened for a century or so as of today? )
Little-known Facts about Swiss Pikemen
Liam Neeson has never even tried to find a Swiss Pike block
The door was now however about to firmly slam shut on the Italians and their shenanigans
All this "marching about" and "being well drilled" stuff was fine for the parade ground, but the Swiss were intent on reminding the mercenary army of the Condotta that this was real war, not playtime for the merchant princes.
Keeping in precise formation, the wall of Swiss advanced toward the final cataclysmic combat like a battalion of lederhosen-clad demons summoned from the depths of a cursed fondue pot, their pikes dripping with molten terror at every step.
In the centre the Kiels were now making merry hell with the 2nd echelon of the Condottieri army, and a deep Kiel of pikemen is no match at all for paid crossbowmen keen to see the next dawn.
With the Italian left already ripped to shreds, there was now a serious possibility that the main battle which had been in the making on the Swiss right, against the retreating Italian spearmen, may in fact never actually take place as the Italians may drop their weapons and flee before that conflict even ignited.
And, indeed, that was how it all panned out, with the Condotta army turning tail and running back home in the face of unrelenting Swiss aggression
This was a victory as sweet and inevitable as a Swiss chocolatier crafting the perfect truffle, except the filling this time for the Italian customer was a praline of pure despair.
The Result is another crushing victory for the Swiss!
Click here for the report of the next game in this competition, or read on for the post match summaries from the Generals involved, as well as another episode of legendary expert analysis from Hannibal
Post Match Summary from the Swiss Commander
Victorious sons of Switzerland! Once again, the field belongs to us, and another foe lies shattered before the might of our pikes. Today, it was the proud Italians, those merchants and militias of the great walled cities, who dared to test the resolve of the Swiss.
They came to the battlefield with elaborate schemes, intricate plans, and manoeuvres as complex and tangled as a plate of their spaghetti. But we, my friends, had no patience for such nonsense. With the clarity of the mountain streams and the precision of our clockmakers, we struck swiftly and decisively, grinding them into dust as if in a vice crafted by Swiss hands!
These Italians, with their fractious councils and endless debates, sought to outthink us. But their Latin emotion and indecision were no match for the disciplined focus of the Swiss! While they argued, we advanced. While they maneuvered, we charged. And when they finally realized their error, it was too late—we had them cornered like a trembling block of Parmesan, ready to be grated by the sharp edges of Swiss resolve!
Let us take a moment to appreciate the tools of our victory. Our pikes are not just weapons—they are masterpieces of Swiss engineering, as straight and true as our sense of purpose. Our halberds, forged with the same care as our finest watches, cut through their ranks with the precision of a timepiece marking the hour of their defeat. What do the Italians bring to the field? Swords and spears of questionable reliability, crafted by artisans who, like their generals, seem more focused on variety than on quality.
And speaking of variety, let us address their cheeses. Ah, the Italians are proud of their endless array of formaggi — Parmesan, Pecorino, Gorgonzola, Ricotta — the list goes on. But what good is variety without excellence? In Switzerland, we do not spread ourselves thin with a hundred different cheeses. No, we perfect a few: the bold Gruyere, the stalwart Emmental, the venerable Sbrinz. Each one is a testament to our dedication, our singular focus, our refusal to compromise. It is not the number of cheeses that matters, but their quality, just as it is not the complexity of plans but the sharpness of execution that wins battles!
Today, the Italians learned this lesson the hard way. Let their shattered shields and broken spears serve as a warning to all who think they can dazzle us with cleverness or overwhelm us with variety. The Swiss fight with purpose, unity, and the sharp bite of victory—and perhaps a wedge of cheese in hand to keep us strong
Raise your pikes high, my comrades! Let the world know that Swiss precision, Swiss resolve, and Swiss cheese shall never be defeated.
Long live Switzerland! Long live the Pikemen! And long live our cheeses—few in number but mighty in flavour!
Hannibal's Post Match Analysis
Oh, for the love of Mars and Minerva alike, must I again endure the puffed-up boasts of this pint-sized helmsman of mediocrity? Thou art as insufferable as a squeaking wheel, thou Alpine gnome, forever polishing thine undeserved laurels! Thy latest "triumph," so thou dost call it, is naught but a comedy of cowardice and cheese. Let us lay bare the truth of thy tale, so that all may see thy folly.
Thou didst face the Condottieri, those Italian mercenaries of coin and contract, and lo, they fled before thy advancing pikes! But what honor is there in chasing sheep that run from the shepherd? These were no sons of Rome, no warriors bound by hearth and homeland. Nay, they fought for coin, and when the scales tipped, they scampered like rats from a sinking ship. To claim glory over such rabble is as absurd as a fox boasting of its victory over a chicken coop! Truly, thy victory is a hollow thing, like thy cuckoo clocks—pleasant to look upon, but without substance.
And now thou dost claim that the superiority of Swiss cheese over Italian cheese played some role in thy triumph? Oh, sweet Jupiter, grant me strength, for I am undone by laughter! Thy cheese, a pale and pockmarked shadow of its Italian kin, hath no place in the annals of war. Thy bland curds are but culinary abominations next to the glory of Parmigiano-Reggiano, the splendor of Pecorino, the divinity of Gorgonzola!
It is for this reason, thou whey-brained buffoon, that I, Hannibal Barca, bypassed thy insipid land when I marched my elephants over the Alps. Would I march to a country where the greatest reward is a wheel of Emmental? Nay, my destiny lay in Italy, a land of wine and song, of olive groves and cheeses that could bring tears to Juno’s eyes! Thy nation was but a stepping stone to glory, a cold and joyless place fit only for goats and clockmakers.
And thou, thou diminutive wretch in thy absurd red hat, dost dare claim credit for a victory that required no cunning, no courage, and no art? Thy pikes are but needles sewing a quilt of tedium, thy strategy as flat as the plains thou marchest upon. Thou art no commander, but a mere accountant of war, tallying battles as one counts coins in a ledger. Thy boasts are as hollow as the echo of a yodel in thy mountain valleys.
Were I to face the Condottieri, the earth would quake with my approach! Elephants, resplendent in their finery, would crash through their lines, and the air would sing with the sound of trumpets and glory. But thou? Thou dost shuffle forward, a line of dullards with sticks, winning not by genius, but by the fecklessness of thine enemy.
Go, Swiss gnome, and return to thy mountains. Let thy cheese sustain thee, thy cuckoo clocks amuse thee, and thy red hat remind thee of the fool’s crown thou dost wear.
Thou art no Scipio, no Alexander, no Hannibal. Thou art but a blot upon the map of history, a commander of monotony, a purveyor of tedium. Begone, lest thy dreary tales rob me of my last shred of patience even before I have to endure your inane reportage in the final game of this competition!
Click here for the report of the next game in this competition
You may also like....
Game 1 Swiss vs Medieval Scots
Game 2 Swiss vs Medieval Spanish
Game 5 Swiss vs Medieval German
View My Stats for My Match Reports Pages
