The German Team Tournament: Medieval Pool in Germany 2024
Medieval German vs Samurai
Game 1 Medieval German vs Samurai
Game 2 Medieval German vs WOTR English
Game 3 Medieval German vs Hungarian
Game 4 Medieval German vs Sahelian Empire
Game 5 Medieval German vs Flemish Low Countries
Translations of German Exclamations
After proving that the German railway system was entirely tilted against us, with the only train of the day to be cancelled being the one we needed to get to the venue, we all hopped on a bus to take a scenic tour round the suburbs along the Rhine between our Air BnB in Koblenz and the venue in Braubach to start the weekend's gaming
As has been previously trailed, I had picked Medieval German because, well, I was coming to Germany and its an army I haven't used before. Oh, and I own a model of a gnome with a WW1 German helmet, throwing miniature beer steins at the enemy. With those criteria, whether the army list I managed to cobble together was good or bad all instantly became somewhat of an irrelevance to be honest
The first game for the Germans would see the KaiserGnome and his army taking on the Samurai!
The lists for the Medieval German and Samurai from this game, as well as all the other lists from the games at Germany can be seen here in the ADLG Wiki.
This was not too bad a matchup in some ways for the Germans, as I had specifically chosen to field an unusual list with 3 Free Canton Medium spearmen.
Fuelled by he spirit of Germanic efficiency as if a clockmaker inspecting the universe for flaws my thinking was that most "Medieval" armies have almost no serious rough terrain troops, so the three usually-looked-down-upon spearmen could be a decent force to dominate terrain and chase down enemy archers - which the Samurai would probably major on anyway
OK, a centre of Mediocre pikemen were pretty much the worst troops to take on any Samurai Katana-using warriors, but I also had a fair few knights too so I should have the tools in the toolbox to put up a decent fight.
On one of the historic "15mm sized 6th Edition" boards of the German players, the Medieval German army took to its homeland like a Teutonic duck to an icy lake.
Mindful of the possibility of 2HW-waving Samurai the Germans mixed up their knights and pikemen, holding the right flank with a War Wagon stuffed with crossbowmen and hiding the Free canton spearmen in a bit of terrain on the left
ADLG hint - Troops with 2HW are a Pikeman's nemesis in ADLG, as they have a special ability of adding +1 to their factors if they end up on a tied score against Pikemen or spearmen.
Throw in the fact my Pikemen were mediocre, so deduct 1 from any dice roll of 4, 5 or 6, and the Samurai may well be Elite so adding 1 to scores of 1, 2 or 3 and the odds of a katana slicing up a Germanic stick-waver are fairly high
The Samurai army had deployed skewed to its own right, but seeing perhaps the rather uninspiring and unfrightening collection of troops in my centre, immediately started redeploying across to meet the Germans in the main part of the field of battle
Achdujehminen! With the Germans yet to move the Samurai were already dancing hither and thither at a rate of knots which could well confuse a German peasant even if he were not trying to understand whilst looking out through the nasal slit of an oversized steel bascinet!h
Flugzeugabsturzsicherungssystem! As the sun crept over the yard arm thoughts turned to whether it was time yet to break into the eclectic yet still utterly German selection of beverages provided in the hall kitchen by our German hosts... or perhaps coffee would do until at least the second game of the day!
Wasserkocherkalkablagerung! With little if any ability to do anything all that clever, the German army tanked slowly forwards, spreading a little wider as it advanced in the face of the still-redeploying Samurai forces.
The Samurai would be afraid of the German knights, but their shooting prowess would need to be mitigated by arrow-catching skills of the German crossbowmen and handgunners in the German skirmish screen
Himmelarschundzwirn! The Samurai were still utterly committed to the redeployment, shooting columns of infantry right across the battlefield (instead of shooting at the grateful Germans!).
With the on-fire Samurai cattle herd now moving up too, the Japanese penchant for extreme complexity would soon be tested - if their cavalry were to be forced to evade they may not avoid the columns of foot behind them blocking their exit path!
City Centre Samurai Battles
Suddenly, as if by clockwork the Free Cantonese troops pole-vaulted their way over the walls of the village in which they had been hiding, and raced at full bog-jumping speed towards the Samurai retainers lurking in a plantation (probably a vineyard for Mosel grapes) across the table in front of them.
The one German mounted cavalry lancer, a downgraded Knight operating on the cheap, would hopefully be enough to keep the Samurai swordsmen in the terrain, where the nasty little Free Canton stick men could pincushion them to their hearts content.
On the opposite flank, like a bierkeller of sausage connoisseurs debating mustard ratios, the other collection of over-engineered German novelty items were looking to make their mark on the battle too, as the War Wagon combined with the rather ludicrous idea of a unit of mounted handgunners to prevent the Samurai light horse archers from running round the back of the German army and trying to loot their baggage.
ADLG hint - Mounted Handgunners count exactly the same as mounted crossbowmen in ADLG. As I said, over-engineered nonsense
Kuddelmuddel! The Samurai had the better of the initial exchange of shooting, and so decided to charge home to try and finish off the nonsensical techno bro's once and for all to gain a swift advantage on this potentially open flank
Fortunately for the Germans, such over confidence is always rewarded in ADLG by some poor dice, and this time the pips fell in their favour as the Samurai horsemen were cut up and removed efficiently and in short order
Straßenausbesserungsmaßnahmenplan! The veritable Hurtigen Forest of flags on the table was now starting to resemble a massive German Flag exhibition in a large publicly funded hall on the outskirts of a regional city, probably called FlagExpo or something equally imaginative and not at all literal oh no sir no.
In amongst the carnage of waving fabric there was also some fighting going on, as the German Knights on the left had joined with their lesser armoured brethren to launch a swift attack on the Samurai as they emerged from the terrain, as if a schoolroom full of precision engineers timing their sneezes for maximum effect
On the right a charge of pikemen had scattered the Samurai horse contingent to the four winds, and probably some other winds as well all pointing at non-cardinal points of the compass as the Japanese cavalry struggled to find a way back past their own redeploying infantrymen
Zickezacke! The Knights slammed into the most densely packed part of the Samurai line, taking on the Heavy Foot Katana boys who the German pikemen had been so afraid of.
They were however no match for a Knight in full charge, and both units suffered near-catastrophic levels of red-cube-3-hits damage from the mounted Germans powerful impact
Ich Bin Ein Berliner!
Donaudampfschifffahrtsgesellschaftskapitän! With an air of inevitability only matched by the possibility of high quality bread for breakfast and beer for every other meal of the day, the Germanic Knights then finished off the last of the Samurai heavy foot resistance with some aplomb, presumably hoping to audition for the Teutonic Orders and some new freshly laundered white clothes in the near future on the back of this sterling performance
The Samurai line was now unhinged in the very centre, leaving a gaping hole which no amount of Hello Kitty-themed merchandise could distract even the most Kwai-favouring schoolgirl from noticing to be a rather huge problem
Kreisverkehrbeschilderung! With the Samurai cavalry having been scattered through their own lines by the advancing German pikemen, the Japanese army was in disarray as the jubilant Germans swept forward, mopping up the last elements of resistance faster than an Audi RS around the Nurburgring.
The Samurai collapse to defeat, as the Might of the Home Nation is vindicated - the Germans triumph!
Click here for the report of the next game in this competition, or read on for the post match summaries from the Generals involved, as well as another episode of legendary expert analysis from Hannibal
Post Match Summary from the Medieval German Commander
Meine Soldaten! Meine Helden! Today ve haff proven, ja, zat efficiency und discipline vill always triumph over… ähm… unnecessary flourish! Ze Samurai fought bravely, mit much shouting und waving of ze shiny swords, but ve haff shown zem ze true power of Teutonic logic und organization! Bravo to all of you—ze finest war machine in ze vorld
Let us first recognize ze heroics of unsere Free Canton spearmen—ha! You vent into zat woodland like ze most industrious of squirrels, und you flushed ze Samurai right flank like it vas… äh… a clogged medieval privy! Zey thought zey could ambush us, ja? But no! You stabbed mit precision, like a German baker inserting ze wooden stick into ze rye bread to check for doneness!
Und zen, ah yes, ze knights! Ze glorious Ritter! You rode into ze centre like ze vinds of ze Alps, und ze Samurai infantry—zey ran like frightened tourists at Oktoberfest who realize zey cannot finish zeir first maß of beer! Your lances pierced zeir lines as easily as ve pierce… bratwurst! Truly, a sight to behold!
Ze Samurai had zeir code of Bushido, ja, but ve had ze code of German engineering! Zey danced about, waving zese tiny bows und arrows, but zey forgot ze most important thing—NEVER let ze Germans bring ze checklist to battle!
One: Pin ze flank in ze voods—check! Two: Charge ze centre mit unstoppable force—check! Three: Celebrate mit efficiency und a reasonable amount of beer—soon to be checked!
Now, ve shall collect ze spoils mit great orderliness! Take zeir helmets—zey vill make excellent stew pots. Zeir swords? Shiny, but impractical—better to use as decoration in ze Great Hall. Und zeir banners? Ve vill hang zem upside down to remind zem zat zey haff been bested by ze vunderbar system of Teutonic brilliance!
Meine Freunde, today, history vill remember us not only for our victory but for ze way ve achieved it: efficiently, decisively, und mit ze utmost punctuality. Samurai may haff honor, but Germans? Ve haff results!
Now, onward! Let us march home, und don’t forget—ve vill need to inventory ze captured horses! Zis is no time for laziness! Sieg und Ordnung!
Hannibal's Post Match Analysis
So, Herr Kaiser Gnome, the so-called master tactician of the Teutonic legions, has seen fit to boast of his victory over the Samurai. A victory so assured, so inevitable, that even a goat herder armed with a stick could have achieved it, yet he struts about as if he has outmanoeuvred Caesar himself.
The Samurai, fine warriors though they may be, were fish dragged from their pond, flopping helplessly on unfamiliar ground. Their light armour, their precision strikes—all hopelessly ill-suited for the crushing weight of your knights, which any commander worth his salt would have recognized as the obvious key to victory. And what does the Kaiser Gnome do? He unleashes his cavalry—because how could he not? They alone shattered the Samurai centre like glass before a hammer
Yet instead of simply acknowledging that the knights won the day, what does our friend the Kaiser Gnome do? He prattles on about his Free Canton spearmen, singing their praises as though they were the gods themselves descending from Olympus. Their skirmish on the right wing? A sideshow, at best—a mosquito buzzing while the real battle was decided by the thunderous charge of heavy horse
One must wonder at this curious emphasis on the spearmen. Perhaps Kaiser Gnome is currying favour with the Cantons? A little political grease to keep his coffers full and his ranks supplied? Or perhaps he fears to give credit to his knights, knowing they are the true victors, lest his reputation as a grand strategist be overshadowed by the simplicity of a straightforward charge.
This is no masterpiece of military brilliance. This is not the cunning of a great leader. This is a carpenter boasting of his hammer after smashing a jar of clay. The Samurai were outmatched from the start—an army built for speed and agility crushed beneath the weight of plate armor and lance. The outcome was as certain as the sun rising in the east. The Kaiser Gnome’s role was that of a clerk, rubber-stamping the inevitable
Dearest Kaiser Gnome, you are no master of strategy. You are a bureaucrat, a ledger-keeper, a man of margins and minutiae, utterly incapable of seeing the broader canvas of war. You may fool your soldiers, you may fool your lords, but you cannot fool me. This was not your victory; it was the knights’, and it required neither brilliance nor subtlety. The real tragedy is not your mediocrity, but your inability to recognize it - let us see if this occurs again in the next game
Click here for the report of the next game in this competition
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Game 1 Medieval German vs Samurai
Game 2 Medieval German vs WOTR English
Game 3 Medieval German vs Hungarian
Game 4 Medieval German vs Sahelian Empire
Game 5 Medieval German vs Flemish Low Countries
Translations of German Exclamations
View My Stats for My Match Reports Pages
