The German Team Tournament: Medieval Pool at Germany 2024
Medieval German vs Flemish Low Countries
Game 1 Medieval German vs Samurai
Game 2 Medieval German vs WOTR English
Game 3 Medieval German vs Hungarian
Game 4 Medieval German vs Sahelian Empire
Game 5 Medieval German vs Flemish Low Countries
Translations of German Exclamations
The final match - after a quick spot of unsurprisingly sausage-based lunch of course - hove into view like a barge full of pensioners cruising down the Rhine.
This time the opposition would be the Flemish Phlegms from the Low Countries, an army from Mons marking a neat throwback to our earlier tourism exploits at the start of the journey
The Flemish were rather replete with Pikemen, although far fewer than perhaps would have been expected.
The rest of the army was made up of a Belgian smorgasbord of dismounted and mounted knights, a couple of longbowmen, some crossboweers and not all that much else, all of which deployed in a solid block in the centre behind a well placed field which the Free Cantonese troops had already decided would be their prime target for the afternoons sport and entertainment
Fahrzeughöhenbeschränkung! Racing forward the ever-efficient German army had made the most of its attacking prowess to ebact what was surely a brilliant plan in only the first turn, urging their men to get immediately as near to the Flemish line as possible
On the right the Free Canton spearmen had drifted toward the edge of the table, seeking to pull the Flemish mercenary Longbowmen out of line with their pikemen by the need to counter the Canton troopers beady eyes focusing on the Belgian baggage of barrels of Stella Artois and assorted beer snacks
On the opposite flank the Germans were also drifting wide too, preferring the idea of attacking crossbowmen to attacking better quality pikemen, leaving a solid Pike and - exciting times - dismounted German Knights in the centre to contest the clash of solid infantrymen that was surely coming
Duschvorhangbefestigung! The initial exchange of fire between skirmishers, Longbows and crossbowmen on the German left was soon threatening to be consequential without really meeting those criteria in full.
Either way, the Belgians had just decided that sticking together was the best way forward, and advanced as a solid block which had the effect of somewhat hanging their English mercenaries out to dry in the face of superior numbers of Free Canton opponents
Schlagsahneverweigerung! The English however had ideas of their own it seemed, and in short order turned tail and retreated out of the way of the onrushing tide of almost-Danish bog jumpers
At this stage the Free Canton contingent would have been more than happy to end the game, counting a moral victory as more than sufficient satisfaction to return home with honour at the end of a great weekend - but no, the battle would continue even longer, and perhaps the Frisians could even make some dents in the Belgian pike line?!
Zwiebelschneidtrauma! The dastardly Belgians had their own dismounted knights, who stepped up smartly to replace the English archers in the line of scrimmage.
This was a conundrum for the Free Canton foot, as they could not really take these Knights on in the open, but equally if they now turned the flank of the Belgian Phalanx the foot knights would eagerly enter the terrain to attack them in their own flanks in turn
Knights on Foot
Brötchenschnitttechnik! Things were already a bit of a mess on the opposite flank, as two commands faced off, both made up of more types of troops than was strictly necessary or indeed sensible
The important thing for the Germans however was that the two Flemish knights seemed rather stuck, facing either a line of German Pikemen or the German War Wagon. This largely neutralized the Flemish opportunity to secure a quick breakthrough before the overweight German left swung round into the end of the Flemish line
The Flemish had also lined up against the War Wagon in such a way that suggested they hadn't read the rules about overlaps vs War Wagons - always a good thing if you are the wagon driver!
ADLG hint - If you fight against a War Wagon, units in corner-to-corner contact against it do not provide "overlap" benefits in combat.
Instead, only those units in front-edge combat against any of its sides will count as overlaps.
There's an extra wrinkle (explained on p67) in that if two units attack a wagon on its long edge then the second doesn't count as an overlap - it instead cancels the overlap bonus that the Wagon would normally "give to itself" if it is only fighting one unit on either of its long edges.
Well, that was the theory - but reality has a habit of not conforming to theory unfortunately
With a blood-curdling cry of Toasterkrümelschublade! the Wagon, and also the adjacent German Pike unit both evaporated at first contact with the Flemish pikemen, leaving a rather shocked unit of skirmishing archers as the front line of resistance to a sizeable force of Belgian Heavy Infantry!
Krankenhauszusatzversicherungsvertrag! The lone unit of degraded Knights, now functioning as a Heavy Cavalry with Impact working hand in hand with the sweaty Free Canton spearmen, had finally found a way around the end of the rather transfixed line of Belgian foot knights and English archers
The once-becalmed line of combat on this end of the Belgian phalanx suddenly sparked into life, with the almost-Knightly charge seemingly able to roll up the whole flank on its own if it could take advantage of the Furious Charge of its first round combat capabilities.
Abfallentsorgungsgebührenordnung! The crushing weight of the solid mass of Flemish pikemen had clearly seen the threat to their left flank, and were now on the move, keen to win frontally against the rather less competent German mercenaries facing them before being rolled up by the Free Cantonese
Schornsteinfegerhandwerksgesetz! The Germans must have been exhausted after a weekend of beer, more beer, and endless consummation of bread and schnitzel, as their fighting capability seems to evaporate faster than an Audi RS4 accelerates from 0-100kph
This was Vorsprung durch Stella Artois, as the no doubt surprised Flemish ground the even more surprised Germans into the tabletop at quite some speed
Rundfunkbeitragsstaatsvertrag! Even where the Germans enjoyed an advantage, on the far left flank, their ability to translate this local superiority into actual dead Belgians was being limited by the fleeing escapades of the otherwise hapless Flemish crossbowmen, leaving the slow-moving German pikemen trailing behind in their wake.
Hundesteuerbescheinigungsformular! The German heavy foot centre was destroyed more completely and utterly than an appetite by a "small" platter of Belgian Beer at a town-square hostelrie in the middle of urban Mons a couple of years beforehand
This has all the markings of a rather large problem for any German aspirations of surviving this battle without being well and truly kicked out of Belgian Flanders!
Feinstaubplakettenregelung! The Germans were now reduced to trying to catch as many Belgians as they could in the few parts of the battlefield where they still had men to do so - but even as they attempted this, the Flemish warriors found new reserves of strength to shrug off the Teutonic assaults with gallic aplomb
Even desperate efforts to commit untried combat troops (crossbowmen) ito the end of the Flemish Phalanx would in the end come to naught, as the collapse of the German centre condemned the army of the Rhineland to a crushing defeat !
Read on for the post match summaries from the Generals involved, as well as another episode of legendary expert analysis from Hannibal
Post Match Summary from the Medieval German Commander
Meine Kameraden… my brave, unyielding soldiers. Today, I stand before you not as ze confident commander you haff known, but as a man humbled by ze weight of battle. Ve haff fought bravely. Ve haff fought mit ze discipline und zeal zat makes us German. Und yet, ze Flemish haff prevailed. Zey did not outthink us. Zey did not outrun us. Zey simply outlasted us
Ze Flemish pikemen… ach, zey vere like a stone wall, und ve? Ve vere ze tide, crashing again und again, only to break apart upon zeir unyielding strength. Our own pikemen, brave und true, fought mit courage, ja, but zey vere outmatched, und ze centre… it crumbled beneath ze Flemish advance.
Und our flanks—ach! Vhere ve should haff had ze advantage, vhere our knights und skirmishers could haff turned ze tide, ve faltered. Ve vere too slow, too cautious, und ze opportunity slipped avay like sand zrough ze hourglass. Ze Flemish pinned us in ze centre und laughed as ve failed to make ze decisive move zat could haff broken zeir lines
But let me tell you zis, meine Soldaten: defeat does not make us less German. Nein! It makes us more human. Ve haff learned hard lessons in zis campaign. Ve haff faced ze swift Hungarians, ze ghostly Tuareg, ze defiant English, und now ze immovable Flemish. Each defeat has tested us, broken us down, und yet here ve stand—tired, bloodied, but not defeated in spirit!
Ze Flemish haff shown us zat brute strength can triumph, but brute strength alone cannot sustain zeir victory. Ve are ze army of discipline, of order, of endurance! Ve may haff lost zis campaign, ja, but ve shall return to ze Vaterland mit heads held high, for ve haff fought vith honour. Und honour, meine Freunde, is a victory zat no enemy can take from us!
Tonight, rest. Heal your wounds. Reflect on ze lessons ve haff learned. Und ven ve return home, ve vill rebuild. Ve vill train harder, think smarter, und prepare for ze day ven ze Flemish, or ze Hungarians, or any other foe dares to challenge us again. Und on zat day, meine Freunde, ze German banner vill rise higher zan ever before
You haff given everything, und for zat, you haff my eternal gratitude. Remember, even in defeat, ve remain ze sons of The Gnome. Ve march home now—not as losers, but as survivors. Und survival is ze first step toward future victory. Forward, meine Soldaten! Forward, mit dignity und purpose!
(The German army, though battered and weary, musters a ragged but resolute cheer. The Kaiser Gnome steps down, his sword lowered but not sheathed, leading his troops away from the field with the determination of a man who knows that even in retreat, the seeds of future triumph can be sown.)
Hannibal's Post Match Analysis
Ah, Kaiser Gnome, the illustrious leader of the so-called 'invincible' Germanic hordes, who has now seen fit to engage with the Flemish—those ever-vexing peasants of the lowlands. Tell me, Gnome, what malady clouded your judgment when you set your sights on this trivial contest? Was it ambition that drove you, or perhaps, a simple failure of understanding?
You came upon the Flemish—men of simple stock, no doubt—but men whose bellies are full of good cheese, ham, and the finest of Stella Artois, a brew that fuels their spirits like fire to dry wood. And you, Gnome, you march in with your delicate peasants—poorly fed, poorly equipped, and wholly ill-prepared for the true ferocity of war. You chose to match their might with your peasant pikemen, their best and brightest—if you can call them that—lined up against men who have dined well, who are hardened to the ways of war, and who have the courage bred from the hearty foods of the land!
And then, you put these peasants—these wretched and soft pikemen—into the heart of your strategy. You placed them in the centre, against the very finest Flemish pike blocks, standing strong, well-fed, and resolute in their pike formations. What was your thought here, Gnome? That your hungry, ragtag masses could outlast the steady, well-fed Flemish? Well, the predictable result was nothing short of a disaster
You, Kaiser Gnome, are a master of over-complicating the simple. You seem to think that the solution to every problem is more—more troops, more tactics, more lines of defence—but, alas! You have created a labyrinth of confusion, a whole host of complex schemes to overwhelm your opponent. Yet what have you achieved? You failed to grasp the most basic truth of warfare: that sometimes, simplicity and strength in numbers are all that is required. No amount of engineering or strategic brilliance—if we may even call it that—could make up for the utter weakness in your centre. You placed poor, malnourished peasants in a direct clash with the Flemish elite, and they crumpled like overripe fruit under the sun!
And what of your much-vaunted flanking manoeuvres? You spoke endlessly of your intricate plans to crush the flanks of the enemy—ah, the flanks—but where was the execution, Gnome? Your complicated tactics failed to gain the needed advantage, and you could not move fast enough to exploit the weakness of the Flemish flanks. What was supposed to be a flanking victory became, instead, a helpless, slow-motion disaster. Your complex ideas—oh, how grand they must have seemed in your mind—served only to tie your army into knots, while the Flemish moved with the precision and simplicity of men who know exactly what they are doing.
You, Kaiser Gnome, dared to bring your peasant pikemen into a direct contest with the heart of the Flemish army. These men—these soldiers—were hardened by their food and drink, and their prowess with pike and sword is bred in the very marrow of their bones. Your weakened, underfed troops had no answer. They wavered, they buckled, and they broke—like brittle straw before the storm.
This battle, Gnome, was meant to be yours. This was supposed to be Cannae all over again! The perfect trap, where the centre would be drawn in and crushed, while the flanks encircled them. Yet you, with all your grandiosity and bluster, failed to even understand the basics. You thought yourself clever with your flank-heavy strategies, while the heart of your army collapsed, leaving you with naught but a scattered force incapable of even basic defence.
Do you think that your failure was the result of bad luck? No! It was the failure of imagination, the inability to adapt to what was in front of you. You thought yourself a master tactician, and yet you were outwitted by a simple peasant army with solid tactics and a full stomach. I have known men who could defeat armies with half the food your soldiers had. But you, Gnome—you could not see the simplest truth. You relied on poor quality pikemen and complexity where simplicity was called for. You lacked the fire of the Flemish men, and the brutal, straightforward strength of their pike blocks proved to be your undoing.
Let this failure be your lesson, Gnome. No amount of complexity can replace the basics of warfare: good food, good soldiers, and strong, simple tactics. But you—ah, you are a fool. You and your overcomplicated schemes are a testament to Germanic insularity, a mind trapped in its own rigid ideas. And now, you are left with nothing but a humiliating defeat at the hands of peasants, who—though simple—at least understand the art of war better than you ever will.
Next time, Gnome, try reading a book before you march your soldiers to their doom. And perhaps, in the meantime, try tasting a bit of cheese and ham—it might just add some spice to your otherwise flavourless plans
Post Event Tourism
After the tournament was over, we headed back westwards through some serious forestry for an overnight stop in a rainy and cold Cologne, on the very eve of the start of the Cologne Festival, listening on the way to a podcast about the Cologne Festival, and then a rather bizzarre heavy metal album about Charlemagne by Hammer Horror star Christopher Lee.
Omens of Death - Full Album
This meant that our plan to lurk in the Cathedral on Monday morning was brought forward to Sunday night - to stay out of the rain - although the presence of early revellers did rather mean much of the Cathedral was now out of bounds
The Festival had also seen every German restaurant fully occupied, so we ended up with a Turkish meal followed by a quick trip around a handful of very German pubs and bars!
The next day, after a lengthy and very wet walk dodging already vomiting German beer-infused festival-goers in fancy dress, we discovered that the Cologne History Museum was in fact closed for the day
We therefore defaulted to another trip to Aachen, followed by lunch in Leuven, home of Stella Artois
Leuven had some very nice buildings, but like most of Europe they were mostly shut on Mondays. Although this impressive one went one step further, being shut until early 2029 !
Leuven also has a massive impaled fly in one of its town squares. A fitting point on which to end a set of battle reports from a German Team Tournament in which our three players somehow conspired to only win 4 games out of 15 between all of us, and to only avoid utter defeat in a further two!
As a famous Austrian once said..."We'll be back!"
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Game 1 Medieval German vs Samurai
Game 2 Medieval German vs WOTR English
Game 3 Medieval German vs Hungarian
Game 4 Medieval German vs Sahelian Empire
Game 5 Medieval German vs Flemish Low Countries
Translations of German Exclamations
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