The German Team Tournament: Medieval Pool at Germany 2024
Medieval German vs Hungarian
Game 1 Medieval German vs Samurai
Game 2 Medieval German vs WOTR English
Game 3 Medieval German vs Hungarian
Game 4 Medieval German vs Sahelian Empire
Game 5 Medieval German vs Flemish Low Countries
Translations of German Exclamations
The third game saw the Germans much closer to home, heading east across the Steppe terrain of the Medieval Hungarian Empire
Fremdschämen! Yes, a defending Hungarian force had elected to choose it's own Steppe terrain, leaving a bald open board with relatively few places where the Germans could anchor a flank against what would probably be a light horse rich army composition
Even so, a number of patches of uneven ground did somehow manage to restrain the billiard table tendencies of the board, and with the German army making good Vorsprung with its first move the scene was set for a fairly solid punch down the middle, with the Cantonese troopers messing around in the brush and hills over to the right
German Tourism!
Pumpernickel! Much to the consternation of the German handgunners who now looked like a carriage full of train conductors mourning a 30-second delay (on a local route), an aggressively positioned Hungarian ambush proved to be even more technically adept (and more importantly numerous) than they were, signalling perhaps that a German hand gun manufacturing plant had relocated eastwards in search of cheaper labour?
In the centre the game was all about committing the Hungarian Knights to a hopefully futile combat against a wall of Germanic long stickery
Staubsaugerbeutel! The peasant pikemen huddled together for warmth on the Eurasian Steppe as they formed up a solid line to dance their way in traditional style toward the noble Magyars at some pace.
Fussgageruberwegbeleuchtung! The attempt to nail down what could well have been a jelly-to-the-wall situation (for which there surely is a German compound word?) seemed somehow to be working, as the Hungarians sat seemingly transfixed by the confusing wall of nonsense that was even now bearing down on them like autobahn drivers scowling at a mere 200 km/h set of tail lights ahead of them
Katzenjammer! The interesting stuff was however happening over on the German right, with clouds of Hungarian mounted lancers and archers swarming over the gentle undulations of the steppe, threatening the Free Canton spearmen with being overrun
The Hungarians were dangerous when at the other end of a well-couched lance, but they were also only a skirmish screen of light troops, against a more robust peasant wall of spearmen
Basically, anything could happen here, and no-one really knew what they were doing, or even trying to achieve really !
Wunderbar! The wall-o-pikes was now in position, and it seemingly only needed the Hungarian nobles to lose all common sense and inhibition and impale themselves on the forest of forestry-derived Germanic stickery magic for the decisive part of the game to be concluded
What could possibly go wrong?
Geschwindigkeitsbegrenzung! The Hungarians took the lazily-dangled bait (lacking in any other real options I guess?) and slammed at full tilt into the wall of mostly Mediocre Pikemen!
This would be a clash of cultures, a tremendous meeting of opposing military traditions centuries in the making, and a chance for the dice to decide if the Hungarian Nobles "Elite" and "Better Armour" would in the end be enough to offset the "better base factors" tempered by the "mostly-Mediocre" status of the German Pike Phalanx
Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz! With both sides praying for decisiveness, what in fact happened was rather a mixed bag
The Polearm infantry on the German side were swiftly overrun, but across the rest of the line of scrimmage the German Pikemen kinda gained the upper hand with a number of debilitating hits inflicted on the over-enthusiastic Hungarians
The Canton-ese Marshland Ninja warriors were also now starting to find a way to take advantage of their more robust fighting abilities against the fleeting presences of the skirmishing Hungarian horse archers and lancers.
The Canton troops approached the challenge with the science of a cake lover critiquing a Black Forest gâteau layer by layer, but even so most times the Hungarians simply evaded away, but occasionally their over-extended and fragmented arrangement meant the Germans could capture and unhorse the odd rider here and there.
War Wagons
Knallbonbon! The battle was now moving swiftly and dynamically into a slow-moving stalemate phase
The German poor quality pikemen were doing their best, but were still unable to overcome the dogged resistance of the fierce Hungarian Knights who in turn continued to struggle to chop their way through the wall of pikes facing them. The game had also now gone on so long that the lone Hungarian War Wagon had almost unleashed enough shots to seriously worry the lone Pike unit it had been plinking away at for at least 2 beers worth of time.
The Free Cantonese spearmen had however managed to pretty much clear the rolling hills from the sound of Hungarian Hussars singing about lonely goatherds
This development caused much disappointment among the Budapest Julie Andrews Appreciation Society members who had come to camp out alongside the battlefield in anticipation of being serenaded by men on horseback with extravagant moustaches.
Götterdämmerung! Even the Kaiser himself could do naught to inspire his men to one final push as the slogging match drew on into the early evening on the banks of the Rhine.
His one great hope had been for the Teutonic Knights to break through at the end of the line, but the lone unit had been unhorsed, leaving only less good Germanic Knights to plug the gap and carry on the endless struggle
Waffenstillstandsverhandlungen! With a final flourish the Hungarians managed to pull something out of their Magyaranic bag of tricks, shooting down a full Pike unit from the vantage point of the wagon and also breaking through against the second wave of Knights on the other end of the Phalanx of Impotence
But even so it was not enough, as with more time than even a German Cuckoo clock with Long Life Duracell batteries could measure having by now elapsed, the game ground to a halt with both sides still some way from collapse
Nothing had in the end come to pass, and the German assault on the billiard table plains of Hungary had ended in a stalemate as stale as the bread floated on top of a week-old abandoned goulash
Click here for the report of the next game in this competition, or read on for the post match summaries from the Generals involved, as well as another episode of legendary expert analysis from Hannibal
Post Match Summary from the Medieval German Commander
Meine tapferen Soldaten... tonight, ve do not stand in triumph. Nein, tonight, ve stand in ze shadow of a most frustrating adversary. Ze Hungarians—ha!—zey haff shown zat speed, cunning, und a very annoying love of riding in circles can sometimes outmatch even ze greatest of Teutonic discipline.
Zey did not fight like men, nein! Zey fought like mosquitoes! Buzzing around us, biting at every opportunity, und zhen fleeing before ve could even raise our hand to swat zem! Ze horse archers, zey vere everywhere und nowhere at once! Ve formed our lines—perfect, straight, und disciplined—but zey ignored ze rules! Zey rode, zey shot, zey laughed, und zen zey disappeared over ze horizon like ze morning mist!
Und zhen, zere vere ze Hungarian knights—zeir Nobles! Bah! Zey fought mit a ferocity zat could almost be mistaken for German valor! Our pikemen, brave as zey vere, could not break zrough zose heavy lances. Ze knights held ze line, und our advance—so carefully planned, so mathematically perfect—vas stopped like a wagon vheel in ze mud!
But let me tell you zis, meine Freunde: zis vas not defeat. Nein. Zis vas a… setback! Ve did not flee ze field; ve held firm until ze blessed night fell upon us. Und zank ze heavens for ze night, because even ze Hungarians cannot see mit zeir cursed bows in ze dark!
Tonight, ve haff learned a hard lesson: ze Hungarians, zey fight on zeir terms, not ours. Zey haff ze speed, ze horses, und ze open plains. Ve haff ze discipline, ze courage, und ze indomitable German spirit! Zis battle may belong to zem, but ze var? Ze var belongs to us. Ve shall adapt, as ve always do. Ve shall find zeir weakness, und ve shall strike mit precision—like ze cuckoo striking ze hour! But next time, ze hour vill be ours.
Tonight, ve rest. Tomorrow, ve regroup. Ve shall march back mit dignity, reorganize mit care, und ven ze time comes, ve vill return. Ze Hungarians vill see zat zey may gallop faster, but zey cannot outrun Teutonic resolve. Ve haff ze strongest armor, ze sharpest pikes, und ze finest checklists in all of Europe!
Zis is not ze end, meine Soldaten. It is a reminder zat even ze greatest armies face setbacks. But remember zis: ve are German. Ve are disciplined. Und most importantly—ve do not tolerate unfinished business!
Now, sleep vhile you can. Tomorrow, ve march mit heads held high. Ze Hungarians may haff won ze plains today, but ve vill bring ze mountains tomorrow. Und ve shall conquer zem all, efficiently
Hannibal's Post Match Analysis
So, Kaiser Gnome, the clockwork commander, the lord of linear thinking, has seen fit to march his plodding infantry into the very heart of the Hungarian steppes—an arena crafted by the gods themselves for the swift and deadly horsemen of the Magyar plains. Tell me, was this decision made before or after you polished your helmet to a mirror shine, admiring your reflection while all sense of reason galloped away faster than a Hungarian courser?
You took your infantry—slow, plodding, uninspired masses of poor-quality pikemen—and threw them against the finest cavalry lancers and horse archers in Christendom. What did you expect? That the Hungarian knights would dismount out of courtesy? That their horses would conveniently forget how to move? This wasn’t a battle—it was a spectacle, a tragic farce in which your soldiers were the unwilling jesters
And these pikemen, Kaiser Gnome—oh, these pikemen! A wall of sticks wielded by men barely fit to hold them. You relied on them to anchor your line, to stop the charge of Hungarian nobility whose steeds are as swift as the wind and as fearless as their riders. What madness possessed you? Did you think their sticks would turn to spears of legend the moment they touched the soil of the steppes? They crumbled, Gnome. They broke under the fiery spirit of Hungarian might, inspired, no doubt, by their paprika-rich blood and their cuisine that burns with the fervor your tactics so sorely lack.
The Hungarians—oh, the Hungarians! Nimble as hares, fierce as lions, and spiced with a zest for battle that you, Kaiser Gnome, cannot even fathom. Their horse archers danced around your lumbering infantry as if toying with a blind bear. Their cavalry lancers, the crème de la crème, shattered your lines with the elegance of a blade slicing through butter. And what did you do? You stood there, hoping your rigid formations would somehow overcome their sheer brilliance.
This battle was unwinnable the moment you set foot on the steppes. It was a feast for the Hungarians, and your army was the main course. A commander with even a pinch of the paprika that fires the Hungarian spirit would have known better. But you, Kaiser Gnome, are a man of boiled potatoes and bland broth, and it shows in your leadership.
So here you stand, licking your wounds and blaming the terrain, the weather, or perhaps even the horses themselves, when the fault lies entirely with you. You marched into the lion’s den with all the subtlety of a cowherd and were devoured for your trouble. Let this failure serve as a lesson, though I doubt you’ll learn it: war is not a mechanical affair of lines and formations. It is a dance, a fire, a symphony of boldness and ingenuity. And you, Gnome, are tone-deaf - but maybe the music of defeat will ring in your ears in the next game?
Click here for the report of the next game in this competition
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Game 1 Medieval German vs Samurai
Game 2 Medieval German vs WOTR English
Game 3 Medieval German vs Hungarian
Game 4 Medieval German vs Sahelian Empire
Game 5 Medieval German vs Flemish Low Countries
Translations of German Exclamations
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