The German Team Tournament: Medieval Pool at Germany 2024
Medieval German vs WotR English
Game 1 Medieval German vs Samurai
Game 2 Medieval German vs WOTR English
Game 3 Medieval German vs Hungarian
Game 4 Medieval German vs Sahelian Empire
Game 5 Medieval German vs Flemish Low Countries
Translations of German Exclamations
Game 2, and it is an Anglo-German matchup, with a German leading the WotR English, and a Brit leading the Medieval Germans.
The field of battle has fallen in a way which doesn't do all that many favours to either player, with a plantation-covered hill in the centre of the English deployment zone
Schlagobers! This will be a near-insurmountable defended obstacle for the Germans, with even the dyke-jumping peasants of Frisia not that keen to assault it, but equally the thick plantations of Mosel grape variety vines will leave no clear fields of fire for the English longbowmen to rain down arrows on the steel helmeted heads of the advancing Helmuts and Svens
ADLG hint - A plantation counts as "cover" in ADLG, meaning that all proper shooters get a -1 if shooting from or more accurately "through" any form of terrain that gives cover.
It does also make them harder to be hit, but that is of little importance in this battle with the Germans relative paucity of firepower.
The exception is for Light Foot, who can shoot out of cover with no further minuses to their shooting factors.
Umweltplakettenpflicht! The relatively tight and compact deployment of the English has left the more rotund (OK, "wider") German army slightly off balance, and the Frisian bog jumpers race inwards from the right to try and get close enough to be shot at by the waiting English longbowmen.
The rest of the battle is a skirmish of skirmishers, as the two sides push up their light infantry to exchange desultory fire as the probing continues
Quatsch! The German left is where most of the forces of the Teutonic Horde have been concentrated, with Wagons of War, Teutonic Knights and a block of Pikemen and Halberdiers all shoving themselves forward against the English right flank like a kitchen full of schnitzel chefs working on perfecting the crunch
The English have dropped off some Knights, both on horses and of the dismounted variety to hold up whatever they might find over here, and are no doubt somewhat surprised to find that it is a very Germanic block of stolid and stout infantrymen with heavyweight science-fictionesque AFV support which is leading the slow and deliberate charge on their prepared positions
Verkehrsberuhigungsmaßnahme! Over on the right the Germans are carefully measuring their way out of range of the English Longbows, steadying their nerves for the 100 meter dash across the beaten zone to try and close to combat.
Here another plantation is providing cover for the Free Canton militia, who 25.4mm their way forward under cover of the protecting camo of the vines.
Fingerspitzengefühl! Viewed from the top of a German castle turret overlooking the battlefield a classic English Herce formation can be seen emerging in a development as welcome to the German army as much as a bureaucrat is thrilled by a perfectly filled form.
Facing them the Britannic army forms a gentle arc of defence with which to greet the gluwein-infused embrace of the slowly advancing Germans.
At the top of the picture the Cantonese peasants have already started to make their move and are now breaking into a bratwurst-powered slow waddle as they hurl their bulk at the bulwark of the English longbowmen.
The shift toward infantry warfare in the Middle Ages
The Cantonese combined arms machinery is in combat! Their small detachment of lightened Knights (aka "cavalry") have joined in the assault, while the Samurai-smashing Knights of the first game are also into action
This is very much a do or die moment - the English advantages in shooting have been largely negated by the Canton troops' advance through the vineyard, but they are still potent fighters in close quarters combat - as are the dismounted Men at Arms too.
Backpfeifengesicht! On the opposite flank, caution rules as the Germans channel the spirit of a beer purist enforcing the Reinheitsgebot at a barbecue to carefully push past the end of the English line, bringing their nonsensically over-engineered mounted handgunners into play to threaten an envelopment.
The small force of mounted English nobility are wondering whether any of them have the narrative flair of Bill Shakespeare with which to inspire their army to a valiant charge - or whether when faced by Pikemen and Teutonic Knights, if even Kenneth Branagh himself would be capable of uttering words stirring enough to inspire them to victory?
The German Comedy Ambassador to England
Donnerwetter! The first round of combat had swung decisively in a very Germanic direction, with a slew of hit markers from the German stash only making their way onto the table because the English commander had forgotten to pack his own that morning.
Almost all along the line the English had faltered under the hammer blows of the German attack, and the game was now essentially afoot for Harry & St George after barely one single peal of dice rolling had rung out across the Rhine.
The English almost instantly fall apart, as their defeat at the hands of the rapidly expanding German empire is complete.
The KaiserGonome will be dining on pumpernickel bread in Hastings before the night is over one suspects, as a second victory is recorded in the Teutonic annals of the weekend!
Click here for the report of the next game in this competition, or read on for the post match summaries from the Generals involved, as well as another episode of legendary expert analysis from Hannibal
Post Match Summary from the Medieval German Commander
Meine tapferen Krieger! Once again, ze vorld has learned zat to face ze German army is to face ze inevitability of order, precision, und unrelenting efficiency! Ze English? Ha! Zey brought zeir so-called invincible longbowmen to ze field, ja? But vhat good is a longbow against a shorter decision-making process?!
Ve all know ze English. Zey like to boast, ja? 'Oh, ve haff ze finest archers in ze vorld!' Zey say zis as if ve should tremble. But no, meine Soldaten, ve do not tremble! Ve calculate. Ve adapt. Und zen ve execute! Like ze perfectly balanced cuckoo clock, ve struck at ze precise moment to silence ze valls of ze longbow forever!
Let us give a loud hurrah for unsere Free Canton spearmen! You vent forward, ja, like ze unstoppable tide of Teutonic determination! Vith your shields raised und your spears leveled, you closed ze distance faster zan a merchant flees ze tax collector! Ze longbowmen? Zey vould not haff time to sing ze first verse of 'Greensleeves' before you vere upon zem, und zen—*schnell! schnapp!—*problem solved!
Zis is vhy ve are victorious: ze English rely on distance, ja? But ve, meine Freunde, ve close ze gap! Zey haff range, but ve haff resolve. Zey haff archers, but ve haff actual results! Und results are vhat matter in ze end!
Ze English knights? Bah! Zey sat on zeir horses, waiting for zeir archers to clear ze way. But nein! Ve cleared ze vay for zem—straight to defeat! Zis is ze power of German efficiency! Vhile ze English debated how to pronounce ze vord schedule, ve already had zeir archers dismantled like an overcomplicated trebuchet!
Meine Soldaten, today ve haff defeated not just an army, but a myth! Ze longbow is no longer ze weapon of legend—it is now ze weapon of broken dreams! You vill return home mit pride, und ve shall toast to zis day mit precision-measured pints of beer, ja?
Und remember, zis victory vas not just von by ze spear or ze sword—it vas von by ze brain. Ze English haff zeir castles und zeir bowmen, but ve haff ze most powerful vapon of all: ze German checklist!
One: Neutralize ze longbowmen—check! Two: Outmaneuver ze knights—check! Three: Invent new uses for ze surplus of English longbows—pending!
Now, onward! Ve vill inventory ze captured supplies, count ze bows for repurposing, und ensure zat ve leave zis battlefield cleaner zan ve found it. For ze glory of Teutonic discipline! Sieg und Ordnung!
Hannibal's Post Match Analysis
So, Kaiser Gnome, the diminutive despot of disorder, has managed to defeat the English longbowmen—those legendary scourges of European battlefields. And yet, as I examine the facts of this engagement, I find myself compelled to ask: how? Not how he won—no, that much is clear, even to a child with a passing knowledge of warfare. What baffles me is how the English could have lost so poorly to so uninspired a plan.
The English longbowmen, who have humbled knights and kings alike, somehow failed to find their mark this day. These archers, usually as precise as the gods of Olympus themselves, were inexplicably inaccurate, their volleys falling short or veering wide as if bewitched. I do not credit the German spearmen for this turn of fortune—certainly not those Free Canton peasants whom Gnome has elevated to the status of demigods in his delusional post-battle speech. Nay, the truth must lie elsewhere: perhaps fatigue, poor supplies, or some divine whim favoured the Germans. But skill? Certainly not Gnome’s.
Let us examine the so-called heroics of these spearmen. They rushed headlong at the longbowmen in what can only be described as reckless desperation, closing the gap before the arrows could rain down in their usual deadly fashion. And by sheer fortune—or perhaps the English simply decided to have an off day—they overwhelmed the archers in a melee that should never have gone their way. This is not brilliance. This is luck dressed in borrowed armor.
And Gnome—ah, our dear Kaiser Gnome—dares to present this as a stroke of genius. Genius? Let us be clear: there is no genius in gambling on a frontal assault against one of the most feared ranged forces in the world. Had the English archers been their usual selves, those spearmen would now be little more than pin cushions for crows. To call this victory strategic is to call a lucky stumble down a hill an act of acrobatics.
If I had commanded this force, the English would not have simply been beaten—they would have been obliterated. Instead of hurling spearmen at their lines, I would have feinted at their centre, drawing them out, and then flanked them with cavalry to collapse their position like a house of cards. There would have been no risk of annihilation, no reliance on the fickle favour of chance.
Kaiser Gnome, for all his bluster and bloviation, is a man of small ideas and even smaller talent. He praises his spearmen as if they achieved the impossible when, in truth, they were merely the recipients of good fortune and an English force having an uncharacteristically bad day. To crown himself in laurels for this victory is as absurd as a rooster claiming credit for the sunrise. Perhaps it is fitting that a man named Gnome stands so short in the shadow of true greatness. But history shall remember this day not as a testament to his skill, but as a cruel joke played upon the English by the gods of war, which I am sure will not be repeated in the next game
Click here for the report of the next game in this competition
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Game 1 Medieval German vs Samurai
Game 2 Medieval German vs WOTR English
Game 3 Medieval German vs Hungarian
Game 4 Medieval German vs Sahelian Empire
Game 5 Medieval German vs Flemish Low Countries
Translations of German Exclamations
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