The Roman Pond at Roll Call 2023
Gallic vs Seleucid
Game 2 Gallic vs Patrician Roman
So, this was it - game 5 of 5, with the Gauls standing on 2 wins and 2 defeats (not in that order).
Would Asterix' men manage to clamber out of the mire of mid-table mediocrity, or would they slip silently beneath the waves and end up at the bottom end of the pond ?
When the draw came out, the augurs were at least positive - another Seleucid army, an opponent potentially full of troops that the Gallic soldiery knew how to beat and had already beaten once that weekend. What could possibly go wrong?
Seleukos I Nicator was the founder of the Seleukid Empire, renowned for his military conquests and empire-building, but also for his near insatiable love of Mediterranean food. Despite the weighty responsibilities of ruling an empire, Seleukos had an unwavering fascination with delectable culinary delights which influenced every aspect of his reign.
Seleukos had an uncanny ability to remember every Mediterranean food type he encountered. His memory was like an edible encyclopaedia, and his courtiers marvelled at his encyclopaedic knowledge of flavours. From the tangy olives of Greece to the aromatic spices of Egypt, no food type escaped Seleukos' attention.
One could often find Seleukos immersed in discussions about his favourite Mediterranean dishes, much to the amusement of his court. He would wax poetic about the succulent lamb dishes of Cyprus, the creamy cheeses of Crete, and the delicate pastries of Athens. His passion for food was so intense that he would occasionally interrupt important political meetings to debate the merits of different olive oil varieties.
Seleukos took great pride in his role as a culinary connoisseur. He would often invite renowned chefs from across the Mediterranean to his court, just to sample their mouth-watering creations. The royal kitchens were in a constant frenzy, experimenting with new recipes to please the king's refined palate.
His fascination with Mediterranean food even extended to diplomatic affairs. Seleukos would exchange recipes with foreign ambassadors and forge alliances over shared culinary experiences. It is said that he once negotiated a peace treaty with a rival kingdom by offering them a secret recipe for his favourite seafood stew.
Despite his gastronomic indulgences, Seleukos remained a capable ruler, overseeing a vast empire with diligence and acumen. While his passion for food may have occasionally overshadowed his political duties, amidst the weighty matters of empire, Seleukos I Nicator, the culinary enthusiast, still managed to leave a legacy that blended conquests and cuisine, forever immortalizing his love for Mediterranean food in the annals of history.
The lists for the Gallic and Seleucid from this game, as well as all the other lists from the games at Roll Call can be seen here in the L'Art de la Guerre Wiki.
In a telling indication of just how bloody exciting and fast paced this whole playing toy soldiers thing can be when it gets to the business end of a competition (or possibly because I just forgot) I seem to have failed to take the initial deployment picture of the two armies.
This is a bit of a shame for fans of large font sizes and the colour yellow, but for the rest of you it is probably safe to assume that there are infantry and Cataphracts and elephants and stuff in a line on the opposing side, with cavalry on both flanks, and that the Gauls are lined up to attack in an unsubtle human wave.
With elephants on the opposing side of the table and also quite a lot of terrain I had taken the opportunity to dismount some of the Gallic cavalry and thus greatly increase the number of Medium Foot Impetuous Swordsmen (a troop type that had it must be said struggled to cover itself in glory thus far) that I had on table.
At least some of these guys were now armoured and Elite though, which was cool, especially as they were able to charge straight across the table into a muddy field and hopefully take on what looked like the scrag-end of the enemy army.
L'Art de la Guerre hint - Normally a Heavy Cavalryman such as these Gauls would dismount as a Heavy Swordsmen Armour with just 3 cohesion points (p21 of the rules), however the Gauls have a list-specific note at the end of their army list which specifies the far more interesting Impetuous Armoured Medium Swordsmen.
They are allowed to dismount because the opponent has elephants - an option I forgot in the previous game against Seleucids, although to be fair in that one they probably needed to stay on their horses to fight the enemy mounted wing anyway.
Non licet omnibus adire Corinthum! In a game plan chock filled with all (*both) of the tricks of the Gallic army, an ambush of Gauls suddenly burst out of a plantation on the opposite side of the board as well, right into the shocked faced of the Inferior Medium Cavalry (what??) holding this wing of the Seleukid army.
The existence, never mind front foot position of these half-hearted horsemen was a massive shock to the Gauls, who unable to believe their luck surged forward to engage them in close range combat
On the verdant open expanses of the opposite flank of this ancient battlefield, the echoes of history reverberated in the air as the two mighty forces closed upon one another with thunderous intensity, each side seemingly dead keen to get right stuck in and then go home early for their tea.
On one side the valiant Gallic army, their spirits aflame with indomitable Gaulish fervour, rushed forward - but, facing them down and seemingly uncaring of the mismatch in numbers, the formidable Seleukid Cataphract Corps, clad in bronze and steel and emanating an aura of disciplined might (and awareness of the combat factors in ADLG) under the watchful eye of their Emperor Seleukos as they rode forth to confront the Gallic host.
Seleucid Cataphracts Explained
The two mighty armies were arrayed across the verdant battlefield like a newly opened pack of bourbon biscuits placed next to an equally freshly cracked-open custard cream packet, ready to do battle to decide which of the sweet and crunchy yet also somewhat basic and textbook snack products would emerge as the ultimate champion of Wargamers hearts
In other news, I suspect I fancied a coffee at this point in the afternoon.
As the sun climbed high in the heavens, casting its golden rays upon the battleground, the Gallic tribesmen emerged like a tempestuous storm, their wild cries piercing the air.
Moriturus te saluto!
Like a rushing torrent, they surged forward, each wave crashing against the steadfast wall of spears and shields held by the Seleukid phalanx.
But alas, their valorous assault seemed destined to end up akin to the crashing waves against the mighty cliffs, for the phalanx stood resolute, an impenetrable bulwark, their formation a testament to the art of war and the inability of the Gauls to roll better than their opponents even just the once.
The ambushing command had left fully out of its hiding place and was now assaulting the Seleukid cavalry with a flurry of violence and clashing swords, the sound of which carried far across the tabletop to send an auditory worm of fear into the right ears of the mighty Phalanx
Albo notamba lapillo! The cavalry stood as the lone defenders of Seleukid integrity, a four-legged stuck zipper pull in the Gauls attempt to swiftly remove the raincoat of defence which was keeping the right flank of Seleukos' infantrymen dry from pouring torrent of Gallic martial fury wrestling destiny in their attempt to overrun the enemy flank and decide the outcome of the entire game in a trice.
With each collision, the Gallic tribesmen hurled themselves against the relentless foe, their bodies becoming mere drops in the vast ocean of conflict as the barbarian horde sought to repeat its elephant slaying feats of Game 3 and overrun the Seleukid flank yet again.
Yes, their unyielding determination and fearsome bravery could not be ignored, their Gallic spirits aflame with an untamed passion that relied, sadly, upon an ability to defy the odds twice in the same weekend.
In a dance of swirling blades and flying trunks the clash unfolded with an ethereal yet also quite grey and wrinkly beauty, as if the Greek and Gallic gods themselves had taken up arms, and co-opted some Hindu gods as well just to make things a little more spicy all round.
But amid the chaos, a force of destruction carved its path through the heart of the Gallic army—the Seleukid cataphracts far more speedily than even a cohort of wargamers finishing off a tray of poppodoms in which less than 3 per person had been ordered.
Like gleaming titans upon mighty steeds, their armoured might was unmatched, trampling everything in their path and sweeping away Gallic tribesmen at pace with an almost casual disdain.
Redde caesari quae sunt caesaris! The cataphract charge was a thunderous symphony of hooves upon the earth, metal caparisons clanking upon the trappings of their sweaty steeds, and swords and lances whistling through the air, all leaving behind a wake of utter devastation.
Wherever their path led, Gallic warriors fell like autumn leave (which was a little strange given this event took place at the start of April, but hey, let's go with it for now), their hopes and dreams shattered with each swing of the cataphracts' deadly spears and hooves.
Meanwhile the clash of the Gallic tribesmen and the Seleukid phalanx continued unabated, a relentless dance of life and death. Spears clashed against shields, and swords clashed against armour, creating a symphony of metal upon metal.
This battlefield was now an intricate tapestry of valour and sacrifice, where heroes were born and legends would be forged, and of course, dice would be rolled in dramatic and mathematically improbable fashion.
Unfortunately it did rather appear however that the whole hero creation thing might well turn out to be somewhat lopsided in favour of the Phalanx in this game, and the Gauls would mostly be playing the role of cannon fodder to the pikemen's Big Guns this time around.
As the sun began its descent towards the horizon, casting long shadows across the battlefield and across the thoughts of those needing to use the M1 Junctions 11-8 on their way home the clash showed no sign of abating.
The Gallic tribesmen, though battered and bloodied, fought on with a tenacity born of their unwavering spirit, driving back the Seleucids Surreal Cavalry Wing and creating by sheer force of will that much-aspired to opportunity to fall upon the flank of the mighty Phalanx and burn it to the ground!
The Seleukid phalanx, unyielding in their discipline, held their ground with a stoicism befitting their reputation, but even so, a keen and Jack Grealish obsessed observer would soon have noticed the scent of fear starting to dribble down some of the phalangites below-skirt-level calves
In the heart of the battlefield, both sides teetered towards defeat as the last remaining taxis of the once-mighty Seleukid phalanx now stood alone like an impenetrable fortress. Shields interlocked, spears gleaming with deadly purpose, the well-trained soldiers formed an unyielding wall of bronze. They had weathered countless battles, but they were about to face an adversary unlike any they had encountered before (which is hardly surprising really given the results of the previous games) .
Like a tempest unleashed the Gauls charged forward with an unbridled fury, their war cries piercing the air, a cacophony of primal screams that echoed through the souls of both friend and foe as they slammed into the phalanx from all sides, desperate to secure this victory before the Cataphracts returned to the fray yet again.
The clash was cataclysmic, as steel met steel with a thunderous resonance. The Gallic tribesmen, fuelled by an unyielding resolve, fought with reckless abandon, their attacks swift and brutal, but even so they seemed unable to bypass the orderly defensive formation of the phalanx.
The resilience of the pikemen had bought time which the Seleukid cataphracts gladly lapped up like metal clad cats with human riders lapping up milk even though apparently that is no longer recommended for cats at all on the entirely reasonable basis that most cats are actually 'lactose intolerant' and don't have the enzyme (lactase) in their intestines to digest the lactose in milk, having lost this ability once they outgrow kittenhood.
Feeding a cat milk can therefore result in vomiting, diarrhoea and stomach pain - a set of unpleasant symptoms very similar to those which the rapid arrival of the Seleukid cataphracts was now causing the Gallic warriors.
Si vis pacem! With the Gallic army now teetering at the very precipice of defeat, the mighty Gallic Strategist found himself in a position to witness first hand the total defeat of his army, with cataphracts slamming into the flank of an already-injured unit of Gallic warriors.
A victory here for the Seleukids in this melee would see them take the game, defeating the entire Gallic force. There was no alternative, the Gallic Commander joined the melee to give what encouragement he could to his embattled men.
The charismatic chieftain led the charge, his imposing presence commanding attention from all and sundry, many of whom had never seen anything as ridiculous as a Strategist committing himself to a combat in which his troops were a mere -1:3 down to bring that up to 0:3 down, all against an enemy with Elite status and better armour.
With a war cry that pierced the heavens, he rallied his brethren, urging them forward against the destructive power of the Seleukid horsemen.
It was a battle of wills, a struggle between the disciplined precision of the cataphracts and the indomitable spirit of the Gauls.
And it was a battle that the Gauls lost - and of course, the resulting death roll for the General in Combat ended as a "1", leaving the battered, broken and exhausted Mighty Strategist lying dead on the tabletiop as well to crown off a rather mixed bag of a weekend of gaming for the immense, yet not really good enough Gallic Medium Foot army!
Click here for the report of the next game in this competition, or read on for the post match summaries from the Generals involved, as well as another episode of legendary expert analysis from Hannibal
Post Match Summary from the Gallic Commander
Asterix: "Obelix, my friend, I must share with you the outcome of our recent battle against the Greek Seleucid Empire. Unfortunately, we did not emerge victorious this time. The Seleucids had a formidable force of Cataphracts, heavily armoured cavalry, which proved to be the decisive factor in our defeat."
Obelix: "But Asterix, we've always managed to overcome our enemies before! How did their Cataphracts turn the tide against us?"
Asterix: "The Seleucid Cataphracts, my friend, were a force to be reckoned with. Their heavily armoured cavalry charged through our ranks, overpowering many of our Gaulish warriors before they could even retaliate. It was a devastating blow."
Obelix: "So, what happened after that? Did we manage to defeat their pikemen?"
Asterix: "Surprisingly, Obelix, our Gaulish spirit did not waver. While the Cataphracts were successful in their initial charge, some of our warriors managed to regroup and push through to the Seleucid pikemen in the centre. We were able to overrun them just moments before their defeat became certain."
Obelix: "So, we lost many warriors, but we still managed to break through their centre in the end?"
Asterix: "Yes, Obelix, we suffered significant losses, but our determination and persistence pushed us forward. Our warriors fought valiantly, and even in the face of adversity, we seized an opportunity to break through the Seleucid pikemen, delivering a significant blow to their formation."
Obelix: "That's remarkable, Asterix! Our Gaulish spirit prevailed even in the face of defeat!"
Asterix: "Indeed, Obelix! We may have lost the battle, but we demonstrated our indomitable Gaulish spirit. We fought until the very end, and while we couldn't overcome the Cataphracts, we still managed to achieve a measure of victory in breaking the enemy's centre."
Obelix: "So, what do we do now, Asterix? How do we recover from this defeat?"
Asterix: "We learn from our mistakes, my friend. We analyse the tactics of the Cataphracts and devise new strategies to counter them. We hone our skills and reinforce our defenses, ensuring that the next time we encounter such a formidable force, we are better prepared."
Obelix: "You're right, Asterix! We'll use this defeat as a lesson and come back stronger!"
Asterix: "That's the spirit, Obelix! Our Gaulish resilience knows no bounds. Together, we shall regroup, train harder, and continue to fight for our freedom. The road to victory may have encountered an obstacle, but we shall overcome it!"
Obelix: "Onward to future triumphs, Asterix! The Gauls will rise again!"
Asterix: "Indeed, Obelix! The Gauls shall rise triumphantly, showing the world the strength and determination that lies within us!"
Hannibal's Post Match Analysis
Thou art a bumbling fool, a dainty escargot of intellect, moving at a snail's pace towards enlightenment and stumbling blindly through the labyrinth of ideas while yor enemies just choose a better list and run you down with it in short order.
Thy reasoning for taking these troops (and naught other) was as convoluted as a French recipe with a thousand unnecessary steps! It was doomed to failure, it has achieved failure, and now thou art a mere speck in the annals of military strategy, easily forgotten e'en before the reader turns the page
"I doth suspect thou hast mistaken the battlefield for a French farce, where idiocy reigns supreme! Thou art a sorry excuse for a soldier, lacking both discipline and intellect, and now also lacking the ranking points for doing well last year in the 25mm competition too
Thou art a baguette-brained buffoon, fit only for comedic interludes such as these where your poor imitation of an army list falls dramatically short of competence never mind success. Thy feeble attempts at wit are as laughable as a soldier stumbling on his own sword, and I think that nots gives you guidance as to the honourable way out of this farrago of a competition performance as well!
That's the end - so why not go back to the Match Reports Index and read some more reports?
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