The Madaxeman.com Lockdown Podcast Series

With much of the gaming world in lockdown it's become impossible to go to the pub and talk rubbish about wargaming - so why not listen to 5 random blokes talking rubbish about wargaming for an hour or so while you're doing painting?

In this first of many (probably) Lockdown Special Podcasts the team wrestle with audio quality across a variety of supposedly professional-grade audio conferencing apps, and chat tosh about a number of barely related topics including Forged in Battle's Kickstarters, the pseudo-wargame Rommel, the state of the Flames of War market, Essex, Xyston and Museum miniatures latest releases, Herve Caille's Bataille Empire rules, their experiences of the last overseas conventions before we were all confined to barracks and even whether World of Tanks might be worth us all re-installing?

"If I'm forced to listen to another one of these I might start agreeing with Trump that it's best to re-open the country at Easter" (Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez)

The Lockdown Specials - Part 2 April 3, 2020 This week the intrepid band of non-adventurers chunter on about topics as diverse as Ancient Britons, the merits and inherent risks of ordering Strippers online, how historic family bereavements can get in the way of wargaming, beer festivals in your bedroom, the psychology of Dremel-denial, whether Challenger 2000 or Shock of Impact was the most complex historical ruleset ever produced, choosing armies for non-competitions, Norman shields, what might be the crappest thing on eBay right now and in a brand new feature, Andy Finkel-kel-kel-kel's brand new Weekly Quiz (with it's own theme tune)!

Sit back, dip your paint brush in your and enjoy.

"Makes me wish I'd been hit in both ears, not just one eye at the battle of Corsica in 1758" : Lord Horatio Nelson

The Lockdown Specials - Part 3 April 9, 2020 In that "3rd difficult week" for many podcasts, when good intentions come smashing up against the hard reality of running out of things to actually say, the Madaxeman.com Lockdown Special crew amazingly dodge that particular subject-matter bullet by yet again chuntering on about literally nothing in particular, and also by throwing in a new guest paticipant in the shape of fellow CLWC club-member Tamsin from the http://wargaminggirl.blogspot.com/ Wargaming Girl blog.

As well as the usual chunter, dross and fluff this week there is even more coverage of buying and painting Vikings, whether it's acceptable to cheat with WW2 German cammo patterns, just how much effort is too much when it comes to 15mm Samurai, rescue techniques for those all-too-common gold spray paint accidents, the challenges of insuring wargaming figures, whether the film Highlander would work if it was remade to cover the life of an immortal ACW General living in modern day Hoxton, Venexia's rebirth in North West England, if buying a whole 28mm army is justified if in the process you can then avoid wasting a £3 sheet of waterslide decals, and - of course - Andy Finkelkelkelkel's Quiz of the Week, which this time around dares to venture into thematic territory so obscure it would surely frighten even the most battle-hardened Osprey Publishing commissioning editor.

And we drink some beer. Which is nice.

The Lockdown Specials - Part 4 Another week, another load of old rubbish as the regulars chat on about their glacial rate of painting, wheel out another obscure quiz and this time attempt also to demostrate just how hard unscripted radio comedy can be in a tribute to non-wargaming legend and all round Goodie Tim Brooke-Taylor.

The usual 6-strong banter machine gets into gear to discuss this weeks painting haul, and then digresses gently towards topics as unusual as those bloody vikings (again), assembling various scales of ancient britons, how 20mm soft plastic manufacturers stack up (in boxes probably..?), the frightening prominence of male nipples under the steely-eyed glare of a cold ink wash, an update on how the Renaissance iteration of L'Art de la Guerre is coming along, if it's ever possible for anyone to be happy with how their Samurai army turned out, whether 6% is an acceptable ABV for a session beer, and - yet again - Andy Finkelkelkelkel's Quiz of the Week which moves this week around the human body from leg-based questions towards the often sticky subject of Great Navel Injuries of History. Or possibly Naval injuries - the sound quality isn't good enough to be entirely sure.

And, we would dare to bet this will also be the only time you will ever hear a military-themed version of the popular radio quiz game Mornington Crescent. Mainly because we probably won't try to repeat the exercise .

With another week of enforced isolation behind them the intrepid band of wargamers astonishingly still appear to have something new to talk about (although Andy is still painting Vikings...). The usual melange of painting, basing and figure selection chatter is augmented this week by ruminations on the efficacy of the postal service, whether soap is a good idea for things other than combating virus transmission, whether German WW2 Paratroopers actively chose not to use multi-barelled rocket launchers because of the challenges of pronunciation, and just how far can a Chinese army be morphed before it becomes socially unacceptable to do so.

This week also sees the one-off appearance of "What's not in the Bag?" in which we all discuss what we did not buy at Salute! at the weekend due to it being postponed to 2021. This one you can play along with at home - the full trader list for Salute! 2020 is avaiable online on the Warlords website

The end result is an episode that stretches dangerously towards the 90 minute mark, but fortunately for fans of niche French urban slo-tempo techno that does mean Andy's Quiz also returns yet again.

The Lockdown Specials - Part 6 May 1, 2020 This week the regular crew mark a double-triple podcast milestone (or, more prosaically, this is the 6th Lockdown Podcast) in their ongoing rambling discussion.

Subjects covered this week in the paint-chat include Chinese Chariotry Umbrellas, whether a reasonably close encounter with a tin of white spray paint counts as "fully painted" when it comes to Austrian Napoleonic infantry, Gnomepoleon's leadership qualities, would Steve McQueen have cleared that fence on a Harley rather than a Triumph, how long the 7 Years War ran for, if double-depth basing has led to the end of monopose units, digital photography techniques for toy soldiers, opportunities for Buddhist monks on tortoises in contemporary tabletop warfare and the vexed question of how many simultaneous painting projects is too many?

There is also a special feature on the Later T'ang Army (ADLG list 169) in which all 6 contributors throw a list on the table for critique and discussion, and the return yet again of Andy's Quiz.

The Lockdown Specials - Part 7, May 5, 2020, It's another week, and another round of painting-heavy chatter from the podcast team.

This week the topics covered range from a discussion as to whether canned air smells of anything, whether Swiss cheese-hurling Gnomes would have Norman-style nasal guards on their gnome-hats (for combat purposes only), if a cat with a Katana is a credible substitute for a Japanese monk on a tortoise, how airbrushes actually work, horse colours across the known world in the ancient and medieval period, whether Croeseus could have kept the Persian Empire at bay if only he'd known how to cobble together a decent ADLG list, and we try and answer the vexed question of why do Napoleonic Austrian armies take so dammed long to finish given that they should really be 95% done after the first spraying of a white undercoat

Various bits of this podcast link to things you can see online, including the haul from the Eclectic Painting Weekend, the Lydian ADLG lists, Tamsin's Airbrush Horse Painting on her blog. Andy's Vikings also now appear on the L'Art de la Guerre Facebook Group, but you need to join the group to see them. If you follow this Podcast also watch out for a special bonus episode later this week in which the usual gang devote a full half-hour to the vexed subject of paintbrushes!

The Lockdown Specials - Part 8, May 15, 2020 This week a special guest joins us from the socially isolated South Coast town of Bournemouth in the shape of Adam to bring the number of contributors up to an almost unmaneagable 7 for the first time ever.

Even with someone who used to do a sensible job as a schoolteacher added to the mix, the wargaming-related conversation still manages to ramble across the mental tabletop in a somewhat erratic fashion, covering important yet strangely rarely discussed topics such as what colour should rigging be on a 1/240th scale 19th Century Ironclad, do Gnomes still have a place in modern warfare, can a camel get a tan if it stands out in the desert too long, is the Austrian army a painters dream or simply a signifier of laziness, if a Grenzer joined the cast of Eastenders would he become a Geezer, is it still legal to resist buying 10mm Napoleonics, and does getting your children to paint Perry plastics fall under the remit of the Modern Day Slavery act?

There is also a phenomenally long discussion on how to assemble and use Hannibals Carthaginian army under ADLG (skip to the 1 hour 25 minute mark when you get to it if you're not interested in ADLG list building), and a new feature on what games we have actually played in the last week. Oh, and Andy's Quiz returns - cue the music!

The Lockdown Specials - Part 9, May 22, 2020, As the landmark of a double-figure number of Lockdown Podcast Episodes rapidly approaches, and with almost 1,400 Podcast downloads in the last month under our belts the team of intrepid wannabe gamers and by-now-obsessive painters luxuriate yet again in the riches of a combined painting queue that stretches all the way from the pyramids of Ancient Egypt to the tower stacks of Mega City One.

In the fleeting moments of the podcast that take place before we reach Andy's Quiz Music a wide variety of debates take place - the best board games for feuding siblings, using the type of garden feature which would raise eyebrows in a parliamentary expenses committee for tabletop terrain, genetic similarities between Vikings and Saxons, whether treatments for 10mm addiction could be made available on the NHS, how to sneak lead through domestic customs inspections, and in a newly trimmed version of the ADLG list discussion we all take a vote on who we think would win in a Jurchen Ch'in-Jurchen Ch'in face-off (hint - the Song Chinese always come off worst...).

There's also a whole load of discussion about how Tabletop Simulator (available on Steam) might actually be the solution we all didn't realise we were looking for to get some (virtual) lead on a (virtual) table in the near future - all of which gets crammed in before Andy's Quiz.

The Lockdown Specials - Part 10, May 29, 2020, With a frightening lurch into double figures (or a proper round dozen if paintbrushes and glue are your thing) the Lockdown team from Madaxeman.com are back yet again with the weekly soundtrack to a weekend of painting and avoiding household chores.

Hot topics for tepid discussion this week include whether the best yellow paint is in fact Plague Brown, the Tau of Fire Hydrant Numerology, whether there was an aftermarket for refitting Egyptian chariots with go faster stripes and pumping stereos, how posh would a Samurai leader need to be in order to qualify for a self flushing toilet, whether Sisyphus would have been daft enough to start painting 28 bases of horses and how many arms per man do you need to make Fireforge's box of Mongol infantry.

The regular feature on ADLG List Building this week covers the Nikephorian Byzantines (in all its various modes of spelling), Andy's quiz of course returns to help us all disco-down into the weekend, we talk in more depth about playing actual games on Tabletop Simulator, and a new feature is born in the shape (and theme tune) of Teaching Timmy About Napoleon, an idiot's guide to the Napoleonic Wars

The Lockdown Specials - Part 11, June 5, 2020, In another surprisingly lengthy podcast the full team celebrate being back together with conversation that covers all bases, as well as a few associated basing materials.

Topics addressed in almost painstaking detail include whether ink is just watered down paint with a better PR, if starting a new period by painting the terrain before the figures is a crime against nature, whether if ArmyPainter is good enough for goblins does that mean it's also good enough for the legions of Rome, how long can anyone talk about an army who's uniforms are all white, definitive proof that Eddy Izzard is actually talented at that comedy malarkey, is the choice to paint horses or riders first the wargamers equivalent of the age-old "clotted cream / jam" debate, how invading Egypt might be the ideal way to take a war to the British, and - of course, a timely reminder of the poetic genius of Eric Morcecambe.

There is also a discussion about that perennial under-achieving arab army, the Fatimid Egyptians in ADLG, another set of questions in Andy's Quiz, and the second triumphant week of Teaching Timmy about Napoleon.

The Lockdown Specials - Part 12, June 11, 2020, It's one short of a bakers dozen for the Lockdown Podcast series with an early release this week that allows you to take full advantage of the rain sweeping across the country (applies in UK only) and get down to some serious painting.

This week the team of 7 struggle valiantly to try and make the subject of WW2 Pacific Theatre Naval Battles staged entirely during the hours of darkness in 1942 sound unfeasibly interesting, wait expectantly for the drilling to start, vandalize MDF light industrial buildings for entertainment, get confused between Hannibal and Napoleon, consider whether the Austro-Hungarian Empire could have staged it's own internal Eurovision Song Contest in the late 1700's, decide that the Late Imperial Roman Army is severely lacking in troops types which it isn't allowed to field, try to bring down the entire wargaming economy by proposing an alternative to the global barter system in partly-used LBMS transfer sheets and finally decide to ponder the question of if a blue giant monkey with wings isn't considered a bit weird, just what is...?

There's also another full episode of Teaching Timmy About Napoleon (perhaps best summed up by the quote "I think I now know less about the Napoleonic Wars than I did before the start of this feature"), an ADLG army list review of the Late Imperial Romans (lists on the Wiki) and in a boon to lovers of military poetry and sub-par French regional deep house techno, the return of Andy's Quiz.

The Lockdown Specials - Part 13, June 17, 2020, Unlucky for some (listeners...) perhaps, but the 13th edition of the Madaxeman Lockdown Podcast series comes out early again in an attempt to avoid an unfortunate coincidence of "Friday" and the number 13, which we all feared may risk causing untold numbers of superglue-related accidents up and down the land.

In a packed programme tonight Matthew, all seven contributors seek to contribute something of value in a tightly-edited episode which drills deep into subjects as diverse as solutions for saggy Egyptian chariot axles, what length of bungee cord is best to attach a duvet to the side of an elephant, whether Americans can ever be trusted, if having a wheel instead of a belly-button is a positive evoltionary step in a city with lots of stairs, strategies for exhibiting Hungarian photography in public, shipping times between the UK and Australia, which one of Napoleon's Marshalls would Bernard Bresslaw have played had Carry On Boney ever been made, do badgers make good toupees (or is it better to ask a fieldmouse to do the detailed stitching?) and how best to stick pins into horse riders nether regions.

Astoundingly, there's also another full episode of Teaching Timmy About Napoleon (sadly no cookery-themed content this week), an ADLG army list review of the Medieval Scandinavians (lists on the Wiki) and another outing for the ever-popular Andy's Quiz. (Make sure to listen - or fast-forward - right to the very end for some unusual bonus content as well!)

The Lockdown Specials - Part 14, June 26, 2020, 99 days into the UK Lockdown and the tsunami of mixed-quality painting continues to roll on and on across seven different desks spread far and wide across the Southern half of England, and yet again this is your chance to share that experience in full stereophonic audio quality.

In this week's episode there is a vague attempt made to answer the questions posed in this exact same block of text last week but which last week's podcast failed to even mention, the many questions that the subject of badgers always throws up are debated in probably the most thorough way ever seen on any wargaming-specific podcast, the Later Ottoman army gets picked apart in both it's Serbian and non-Serbian incarnations, and Andy's Quiz returns yet again.

Other topics given a 99-day airing include what the best paint schemes are for burger bars, whether Napoleon ever got irritated with the Austrians always suing for peace after he beat them, which blue is best for painting denim, what is the correct way to pronounce your own name in a Swiss bowling alley, is there a way out of existential Janissary angst, what's the correct payment-in-kind for a 3 hour truck ride across Alabama, just how big is Steve from LBMS' house, and whether Ancient British baggage now needs to include an underground bypass for your own personal 15mm A303.

The Lockdown Specials - Part 15, July 3, 2020, Now deep into it's troubled teenage phase, the Madaxeman Lockdown Podcast series continues to boldly go where few if any wargaming-themed podcasts have dared to go before.

This week the foolhardy seven consider whether a Napoleonic LoTR crossover movie could stage its apocalyptic final battle scene in Bramall Lane stadium, how toothbrushes helped the British Army of the Rhine ward off a Warpac invasion in the 1980's, the current statistics for underpants-wearing in Harrow, fashion trends in Janissary headgear, how best to recover frosted figures, whether Adele would have re-written her global smash single "Chasing Pavements" if she had known about laser-cut MDF back in 2008, whether a steam powered organ needs more wheels or less legs, and how many Light Horse are Too Many?

Andy's quiz also enjoys a stunning return to surreal and bizzarre form, we attempt to answer the questions we failed to ask last week, the Assyrian and Sargonid army gets a thorough investigation, Teaching Timmy about Napoleon reaches the point in the wars in which everyone starts to say "Bastard" in a Yorkshire accent, there's more Tabletop Simulator action to report on, and we do even learn something about painting - and all of that happens before we end with a fascinating discussion about antipodean animal accidents.

The Lockdown Specials - Part 16, July 14, 2020, In a week that is very lite on, erm, me (due to holiday) the Gang of 6 attempt to make a break for freedom and stage a guerilla podcast all on their own.

Led heroically by G'Day Simon the truncated team try to cover topics as varied as making tea with toothbrushes, if charm bracelet charms have a role in wargaming, how to tell which beach is which when it comes to 1970's episodes of Dr Who, what a Scotsman would wear under his badger onsie, just how close a miss is a cannonball between the legs, whether a washing machine can be used to mix paint (or if a tumble dryer would be better), what is Sean Bean's second-best swearword, and will the "Austrians - don't they all wear white?" discussion will end up running for longer than the pandemic.

In addition there is (almost) the full range of regular features including answering the questions that weren't actually asked last week, the regular painting review, a comparison of two Achaemenid Persian lists in ADLG (including a battle between the two lists as well), Andy's Quiz and the week in the team's wargaming. The only thing missing is, erm, me - but I'll be back next week!

The Lockdown Specials - Part 17, July 18, 2020, With the UK lockdown gently easing the team are still a 6-pack this week (although more in the "beer" than the "washboard stomach" idiom) as they canter through the full set of features and distractions in another 2-hour session to accompany your wargaming painting.

This week the thorny subject of Reverse Vodka Brexit rears it's ugly head, Vallejo Urban Graffiti'ed Concrete paint gets evaluated in comparison to their very handy Vallejo Tartan dropper bottle, the discussion on jam or clotted cream is revisited in proper military style, whether it's ever fair to let your kids play with your best toys is debated for a very short period of time, the prevalence of French rugby shirts in 6th Century AD Europe is considered, the question of how irregular should an irregular warband be is tossed on the table and gently kicked to death, and the role played by of brick-filled barges in the Napoleonic wars is fully resolved to no-one's satisfaction.

In addition there is Andy's Quiz, the painting and gaming roundups return, Teaching Timmy About Napoleon covers a series of battles against the Austrians (again!), and the team vote on the best iterations of the French Ordannance army (#234 in ADLG).

The Lockdown Specials - Part 18, July 24, 2020, As Lockdown gently unwinds across the UK, the full team are assembled again for a seven-hander episode that reaches the parts other gaming podcast cannot reach, gives them a good old scratch and then eats whatever is under it's fingernails for good measure.

In this week's episode consideration is given to how to choose the best filling for an LBMS transfer sandwich, we ask the vital question "wet palettes - vital painting tools, or just margerine tubs with pretentions?", the contentious subject of whether face to face gaming will ever really replace online play is fully aired, a vital but often neglected topic on the degree of crossover between gardening and wargaming is exhumed and dissected, we ponder the idea that there may be telephones and newspapers in the future, and the answer is (eventually) coughed up to that age-old question of what brush should you use to paint an elephant?

As well as these riveting subjects Andy's Quiz this week is all about swearing, the Napoleonic Saga reaches the grim depths of a Russian winter with the March on Moscow and the Battle of Borodino, and the army list debate delves deep into the ins and outs of the very end-of-empire Latest Byzantines.

The Lockdown Specials - Part 19, July 31, 2020, 19 weeks in and things are getting even more weird in the virtual Madaxeman Lockdown studio, as the regular team of 7 expands with a couple of pithy, succinct and historically accurate contributions from Mrs Andy in this weeks rambling episode.

Mixed in amongst the usual melange of gaming- and painting-themed content the happy podcastonaughts today ponder whether it is fair to say that nude badgers are indeed living the dream, whether any 8th century axe-makers would have considered advertising through shirt sponsorship, if glueing a vibrating love egg into the two halves of a 28mm plastic horse is good for helping them not fall over on the tabletop, how many hussars would have taken part if McMafia had been filmed in Paris rather than London, if Ulrikakakaka Johnsson would have made a better chariot runner or charioteer archer, and whether El Dorado hops are actually a real thing or just a cunning ruse to make wannabe hipsters pay double price for a can of Stella Artois with a funny label stuck on it.

The Lockdown Specials - Part 20, August 7, 2020, This 20th, epic (aka "extra long") episode marks the final chapter in the first series of Weekly Lockdown Podcasts, with the full crew eventually assembling to take a standardly discursive tour around the usual array of wargaming topics - but with a twist!

The regular "What did you paint last week" morphs seamlessly into "You've painted how much in the last 20 weeks !!??" , Teaching Timmy About Napoleonics goes all Abba and hits the giddy heights of the most coveted piece of terrain in wargames history (the Airfix Waterloo Farmhouse), our session on actual gaming includes some, erm, actual face to face, historically accurate re-enactment type gaming, and Andy's Quiz attempts to run for longer than the long march back from Moscow in a (mercifully-edited-down) special recapping the whole of the Napoleonic Wars.

There is also a poem, an army list discussion about a list that at least one of us has actually used before in a real competition, there are theme-tunes galore and of course some post-credits out-takes and audio easter eggs.

Yes, a fitting endcap to this 20-week run of weekly podcast specials.We will be back... but we all need a few weeks rest first!

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